Grace and Mercy

July 30th 2022

This has been a week of constant mental war with many battles fought, some won and many lost.

The epiphany this week happened at work amongst the dust, mosquitos, horse flies as large as my thumb, no-see-ems, black flies, spruce beetles (ugh, shudder...)spiders, bears, moose, deer, fox and one lynx. That and numerous pieces of large, noisy and dangerous machinery tooling around the work site, the gravel trucks, general public wanting through (most are happy), the ministry of highways on-site and watching to be sure its done properly and keeping the crew safe so I do not need to change hats and be their medic. Amongst all of this fun.... I had/have epiphanies that lead me down the path that is currently my life. Many, many times I question where I am, many times I feel so damn lost I look around me like I've been deposited on a strange planet and have no idea how I'm surviving.

Yes, yes... I swear I'm getting to it haha! The epiphany!

Mercy.

Yes that is exactly what I meant to say and what I was getting to in my round about way.

Mercy is needed in every persons life, spiritually and mentally. What grace we extend to ourselves is what we extend to others. If this grace is missing because of childhood traumas it becomes impossible for an abuser to change.

Why you may ask? My theory, such as it is, is this:

Without mercy and a huge heaping portion of grace one cannot look at themselves in a reflective way and change the things they see as needing change... our conscience does this you see. It knocks on the door of our hearts and minds and says "hey! you, yes you! That right there? That was you being an asshole and you hurt her/him."

With Mercy and Grace we accept our faults, recognize the need for change and carry that change out.

Without it you have narcissism.... the very definition of a frail and fragile ego. The narcissist cannot admit to fault as it threatens their very existence. Imagine it! One can almost feel sorry for them, feel pity and compassion for someone so unfortunate as to be burdened with such a weakened mental state. The torture they endure in the confines of their own minds must be staggering.

This drives the need for distraction, for a new exciting feeling of the new relationship, the constant need for drama and fighting, and the absolute need for control; something they did not have as a child.

So my dear ones, While this will never excuse the abuse and the breaking down of the one they profess to love but in fact hate, oh no, however, it will ease the 'why' portion of our broken hearts and scrambled brains. Eases it somewhat.

The beauty of this is that the more you extend mercy and grace (but never go back, that is NOT what this means!) the more you will extend the same to yourself. We need so much of this to heal, heaping gargantuan amounts!

So extend that mercy and grace and forgive yourself for betraying the only person you can truly ever count on, and that is you. 'You are worth a magical kind of love,' to quote my daughter.

Remember Dear Hearts, live to fight another day and survive until you can get out. If you are out and struggling with the pain and the hopelessness and the heartache..... I want to tell you that it does get better. Oh so slowly the dark cloud over my head is lifting and every once in awhile I see rays of sunshine coming through and I get up, I get dressed and I face another day.

You can too. I believe in you.