Growing Pains...

Alone....physically....learning how to walk alone, as I did years ago, beginning as a small child....alone and yet, despite being an outgoing child I felt better alone. I yearned for friends but instinctively knew that for me, developing relationships was difficult. I wasn't your average child...conceived during a tumultuous time within the family dynamics.

Alone was what I knew, despite 3 older brothers filling my life with noise, chaos and double-dog dares.

Alone as I watched them all learn the piano...

Alone as I wandered the orchards...

Alone as I sat observing the family watching t.v from the kitchen....

Alone as I took the fall for letting the kittens out of their box...

But never alone...for even as a small child I felt a presence with me; guarding me, keeping me close...

Now as an adult I look back at what I can remember before the age of 10 and I see dissociative distancing. Every choice was based on fear or anxiety, and when given no choice I would run through the game plan in my head to combat the paralyzing fear...step by step...over and over, until the plan was solidified and carried out perfectly.

What I am so desperately trying to get at here dear hearts is that being alone and fighting against it our whole lives has been the end goal, the game plan. Our brain has been conditioned to do, to have a purpose, to contribute, to be useful....

Set adrift we flounder...grasping for our meaning in this life.

Set adrift, despite the relentless sorrow, has been the greatest of gifts...the best of growing pains as I once again search for my place in this world.

Why the joy in growing pains you may ask....

I cannot, except as a child, remember feeling this alone....set apart...distanced....

Mentally, emotionally and physically set apart and thus forced to dissect, dismantle, and delve into the deepest, darkest depths of my psyche to find the truth...and more, to accept the truths I see within me.

At this point in the journey I feel a strength of self, a bulwark of pure steel forming in my bones..in my spirit....that woman within, that small innocent child within standing up metaphorically and speaking two words that gain volume in my mind as the days go by...with every moment, every hour, every day that slides by I gain a resolve formed in the very fires of Mordor....in the moments of emotion welling up and overflowing, in the tears and raw bursts of guttural sound erupting from my lips...

Two Words....I push to my feet and stand in a barren place and in a 360 degree turn view the scarred and torn battlefield; wounds seeping and bleeding slowly, I speak a promise to myself that for the past many months I have been building upon and showing up for....

NO MORE....no more.

No more free passes, no more allowing evil to remain in my life....

No more ignoring the needs of my heart, mind and soul in favour of another...

No more silence....no, it is a time for truth...for speaking my truth...in grace and in a quiet stand for the innocent, for the broken and lost, for myself and for you all still in the pit.

You are worthy...worthy of love, of peace, of kindness, of mercy, of compassion.

my heart fills with a poignant sorrow as I read those words....in sadness but with understanding I see that we are in need of reminding, of encouragement to reach for the stars...

As my daughter once told me a few years ago... 'mom, you are worthy of a magical kind of love.'

I will live well and happily, alone....until that magical kind of love steps on to the path in front of me with welcoming, open arms of an unconditional love free of malice and games.

This my friends is the goal...to feel the growing pains, to embrace the growth that comes with the pain...and to be joyful and complete, alone.

It does not necessarily mean alone forever, unless that is what you will, what you desire.

This is something my mother chose...to be alone rather than run the chance of being hurt once more. And that is ok...she was happy in spending time with friends and her family.

Let it come dear hearts...let the truth rise up and clear your mind of regrets, remorse and recriminations. You are a child of God...loved and created for so much more.

Let it go my friends....let it ride on the winds of change and embrace the present moments of joy.

The future...is unwritten. Do not fear it....there is a plan for you.

Go with God today and every day...may His peace fill your heart and His comfort surround you where you stand this day...and every day forward.