Guilt and Overthinking

June 26th

I woke this morning with such guilt..... does that prove I have a heart and am not the narcissist? He used that tactic often.... telling me that I am the narcissist, not him. And so, I overthink every little thing.... and I mean every little thing. Every scenario and moment with the Abuser is played back in enthusiastic technicolour in my mind.... over and over again as I wrestle with the thought that perhaps I could have loved more (improbable and impossible) and saved him from himself.

My dear readers, know this. From everything I've read and heard from other survivors as well as clinical therapists and psychologists, this is not possible. It is essentially impossible for the narcissist to change.

Unless..... there is always an unless.

Unless they make the choice to change after recognizing their place in this world and yours.

I will never go back to the insults, the rages, the physical abuse and the insanity of that chaotic circus ride. I believe this now, though I love him still to this day, I will never be able to sit in his house and accept his words of love while his actions tell me he hates me. I will never be able to believe again that he wants me, desires me as he burned that bridge with his porn, live strip chat, his flirting with other women right in front of me, withholding sex and telling me I'm ugly and criticizing my body and looks.

How do you recover from that? You learn to accept you for you. Easier said than done.... oh god. Everyday I catch myself with thoughts of how ugly I am, how gross I am. But I'm trying and I know I will recover as will you.

So my dear hearts remember that you are not alone, never alone. You have a world full of survivors with you. Hold fast and hold on tight to your sanity and never go back. Let them prove that they can change. It may never happen but your self-respect will reach new heights by maintaining your standard of respectful treatment.