Hindsight...

Flashes fill my mind...of joy, of laughter...overriding the pain, the sorrow, the grief...I smile over my steaming cup of heaven...like filtering sunlight through cloth, tiny small holes allow the sun to shine through the dross, the fabric of the cloth...though it may be scarred, stitched and repaired repeatedly, light makes its way in...warming heart, spirit, mind and body alike.

Spotlighted are past moments...snapshot moments I coin them....like polaroids floating amongst the musical overtones of my brain...neurons firing, splitting, forming new pathways of thought, of love, of wisdom and the beauty of viewing from a distance....like gazing through tower observing binoculars, I espy and dissect times of fear, times of laughter to offset the torment, times of derision and condemnation, times of aberrant behaviour used to degrade and debase...oh dear hearts...so much to rifle through, so many snapshot moments filled with slaps to the face, heart and spirit. Taken in from distance only time can bring I stand, then sit in dismay...incredulous over the whole when taken apart, each component viewed one at a time I see the rise and the fall...I am catapulted to disbelief over the way, over the descent into madness that was hidden so well behind a mask, behind a veneer of normalcy that I fell, I landed amidst the bones of previous discarded prey...scattering bits and pieces that cried out over the injustices perpetrated I was too terrified to take in...too convinced of my own love...too sure of my own ability to give, to forgive, to love in long-suffering....hard emphasis on the suffering.

I walked on ground already trampled...already sampled....

I loved on hills climbed, valleys trepidatiously walked....

I forgave on the backs, the shoulders...the spirits of others who had tried, who had gone before me...one who had tread on the ground I was walking whilst I was living it....

I cannot stress enough dear hearts...dear treasures...do not abase yourself in this way...daring to try again with another broken heart doing their best to love the broken soul you feel drawn back to...it is a lie...it is adding your feet to the head and heart of the woman involved...kicking, trampling into the mud and filth you were blessed enough to crawl out of.

I speak of this snapshot moment in the hopes of sparing you the pain, the shame...

"As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly" — Proverbs 26:11

Twice a fool to return to a taken individual playing both ends of the field....

I would speak truth today my friends...I would speak of the dirty parts of pain...of the shame that lays upon the shoulders as heavy as a metal apron...discarded only with purpose, with the pride of standing in righteousness, in standing on principle....

'For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.' Romans 2:23

We all fall short....look back in sheer horror at what we are capable of as human beings.

I knew of this woman....I knew of the talks, the anger and recriminations...and I forgave and continued on, for who was I to judge?

Oh my friends...it is not judgement to take that set of circumstances and quietly walk away...let the dogs return to their vomit....it is not judgement to perceive what is not meant for you, to truly see the heart of the one you love and know it is not meant for you....

You are worthy of so much more....

You are worthy of a love that seeks your comfort, your joy, your peace, your happiness...

Worthy of a love that commits...that will love you, choose you minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day...worthy.

Worthy of a love that understands basic human decency...that doles out kindnesses, compassion and love like candy....sweet to the taste, life sustaining goodness...

Worthy of a love that will choose you amongst a room full of a thousand beautiful women...you and only you....mature enough to recognize beauty, to see it and turn to the one he loves and see their beauty shine brighter than any other....

This is what I believe my friends...I see now that it was not that I was not enough, not beautiful enough, young enough...no... I outworked, outshone, and out-loved all who came before...truly...it was not this my friends....it is not a fault in you, a lack in you....no, rather...it is a glaring monstrous Grand Canyon of lack within them...

Stunted emotionally by the trauma they refuse to give up they cannot handle the maturity necessary to be a committed partner. They quite literally could not handle your shine...the love you brought, or bring is a thing of fear for them...too much...and so they must beat it down...trample it into the dust...light it on fire, and watch the ashes fall all the while moving on to the next fantasy, the next pleasure inducing thing on their minds....

The mind is frail...the ego shattered and a new one riding in its place....oh it is a fact my friends that the false ego exists...formed to protect the mind from failing, to protect the heart from shattering...

Hear my heart this morning dear treasures....there is a pathology, whole books sold on the subject...whole studies within the psychological field dedicated to this personality disorder.

Knowledge is power...I would encourage you to read, and read some more...but do not get stuck there...as you learn, release....as you gain knowledge, let them go....

Only God can save them...only He knows the time and place of their redemption...or if it comes at all...this grieves the heart...His and ours....no matter the understanding, no matter the knowledge of the 'why' behind their actions....we love and we grieve....

Go today in peace, in the comfort of a Father who loves you incomparably...who accepts you, treasures you, cherishes you....may you find your way, your path to complete healing.

It comes my friends...joy comes in the morning....peace will reign in your life once more...

I stand before you today to speak of the healing that has progressed over the months...the constant letting go...the consistent prayer....the delving deep....all brings us closer to joy, to peace, to love...dropping the weight of shame and sorrow little by little upon the path we walk.