HOW MANY

How many lives did you disrupt....?

How many women lived with your abuse?... and according to your threats and manipulations......'you're not going to snitch are you'....how many stayed quiet?

It's an easy thing to search court records, oh dear God, so easy to find your name amongst the many men that live in this province. Laid out for any to see who seek truth.

It is a sad and unjust world to see the charges levied against you, the women you destroyed over the years since the first court case back in 2006, and know you still walk the streets looking for your next supply of fresh meat.

It has been a morning for recriminations, for reflection and a need building within to see this through to the end. To see the man who believes he walks on water and is above the law get the justice he deserves.

I plead with you to hear my heart once again as I write my thoughts, as I expunge my emotions onto this page.

It is far past time to feel a righteous anger toward your abuser...far past time for me to lay the pity aside and act.

There is a saying from the Louis L'Amour books I read as a young pre-teen and into adulthood....

“There’s no stopping a man who knows he’s in the right and keeps a-coming.”

— Louis L'Amour

well... i'm a-coming....

There is a warrior inside who is begging to rise to the surface and fight the good fight. No more...

I used to say this while with the monster within the man... no more.

Amid tears I would stand, brush myself off and prepare for the next fight, the next betrayal, the next lie and in standing began to reap increased darkness and abuse. For those in the midst, the understanding is this....that there is no law but the law of the abuser and any and all resistance leads to more insidious, poisonous perversions.

Dear hearts... in standing... in fighting we find our self-respect once again and in standing we make that move towards the door at the end of a long tunnel...freedom.

Every slap; physically...emotionally...mentally...verbally...was worth the inching upward to a standing position...hands on the floor pushing up, one foot placed then the other until we stand with shoulders back, braced for attack yes, but standing.

This may seem such a small detail to those who have never experienced the humiliation and shame of being slowly but surely ground into dust in every way possible.

I am here to tell you today that standing in incremental stages, speaking my truth quietly but with conviction did more for my self esteem than I can express.

I am here to tell you today that quietly speaking my truth in the face of his demonic fury and reaping the consequences physically did more for my self-respect than I can ever possibly express.

Often I would see in my minds eye a long line of warrior women stretching back over the years...

fighting Irish on my maternal side...

the devils in skirts..the fighting power of the Scots, so called by their enemies...maternal and paternal side...

The resistance fighters of the Czechoslovakian army... maternal side...

I could go on and list the English, the Welsh and a smattering of the old country mixed into my blood, the call to rise up and stand against tyranny in any form that sings in my veins. Our ancestors fought to be free, fought to be free of their own specific reign of terror. How can I do any differently?

I have been recovering from battle, wounded and bleeding, dear friends...dear dear fellow warriors. Everyday a battle of will to continue putting one foot in front of the other in the face of shame, embrassament, self-loathing and feeling so broken...but oh, every day a battle won over the wiles of the enemy within and without.

The time has come to fight, to take a stand personally so that no one will suffer again.

I pray daily for the enemy but more so the prayer is for those who may come along to take my place at his alter of anger, hate and rage. That small broken child within has become a monster of epic proportions and while I hope for his salvation I truly believe that the monster inhabits him so completely, so entirely that he will never see the light of day emotionally, or mentally. I would like to say nor spiritually but then I believe very strongly in the power of the words and energies we put out. And I know that God is able...nothing is impossible with Him...and so I pray.

Dear hearts... stay strong...survive and seek your door out to freedom.