I Am Beautiful

I am beautiful...

I am worthy....

Say it with me dear hearts...

I am beautiful and worthy of all that is good and lovely and wonderful.

I am worthy of loving kindnesses...

I am worthy of compassion and more... I am worthy of a true love.

Not this thing I called love, this sad and twisted imitation of love.

Not this parroting of what they believe love to be... chaos, hot and cold, betrayals, lies and abuses all packaged inside the word 'love.'

We know deep down inside where it counts... we KNOW what love is truly all about.

The issue is what we believe we are worth, the love we are worthy of.

Change our belief for ourselves and change who and what we allow into our bubble.

You see my friends I know the cause of the last blowout that sent me running for my life, for my sanity.

I didn't believe his lies anymore.

One thing they are not, is stupid. They also were trained as babies to correctly gauge the. moods and emotions of their parents and siblings, so understand this...they see and feel our mood in the moment.

They know. And the man I loved knew, oh he knew he was losing me again.

A desperate attempt to put me in my place resulted in hours and hours of abuse.

Not today satan. Not today.

I was truly afraid, more than the usual fear, that he was going to do exactly as he threatened.

'when I get back I'm going to burn the house down with you in it.'

The words, the tone, the physical gestures... everything I was trained as a child to gauge told me to run, run, run.

I still believe that when he returned the abuse would have escalated not de-escalated.

I still believe that I did everything I could to calm, to de-escalate the situation.

I'm good at it... didn't I live in those very situations as a child?

Oh... I'm tired of being that person. Aren't you tired? Aren't you tired of being the calming influence in your relationship(s)?

Who do you run to when in distress? It is a legitimate question isn't it? and how fucking hard is it to answer that one? Too damn hard.

I know there are people in your lives and mine that we think we may be able to run to but....

we're not sure. Not really.

Too often I've turned to someone only to be in the awkward position of them not knowing what to say or do, or worse get that look on their face(s). The look that clearly says 'what the hell is happening, why is she coming to me?'

Lord bless them... these people are just not at that place emotionally or mentally to deal with it.

No judgement... no, just the knowledge that a safe place does not reside within everyone. And so we struggle with our own pain and our own needs, silently.

This is a lifelong struggle. Not a bid for sympathy or pity.

Hard no on that one...

It's just that some days are harder than others living with that knowledge.

I have one or two friends that I know I can call...

once again it is a conundrum of emotions and logic.

one battles against the other... opposite sides of the damn coin.

Logic tells me that they are more than willing to listen and help, while emotion tells me that I am not worthy and feeling sorry for myself and I shouldn't be bothering them.

It brings a smile and a laugh to my face as I sit here and contemplate the ridiculousness of my brain and heart fighting one another for dominance.

Dear hearts... reach out...find one person, just one. Make that your task this week... it'll take that long just to work up the courage to ask. Yes, I know you as I know myself...

However, there is a someone in your life who would willingly put aside what they're doing to come to your aid. You want to know why?

You are a fucking beautiful soul... That's why.

Everything about you is lovely and beautiful and KIND.

We do not see ourselves as others see us. This is truth. Accept it, please.

Accept your worth.

Psalm 139:14 KJV

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: Marvellous are thy works; And that my soul knoweth right well.

You, my love, are fearfully and wonderfully made.

So...Please dear hearts... stay strong... survive... get out...and live.