I Believe....

I believe in grace...until there is no room for more...

I believe in mercy...until proven to deserve no little amount in the face of your evil doings...

I believe in love...it covers a multitude of sins, a multitude...yet not all sins bear up under love, instead revealing themselves to be poisonous, incurably evil...

I believe in forgiveness...for peace within...not all sins bear up under forgiveness, instead revealing themselves to be unforgivable by any human mind or heart...

There will come a calling to justice...a calling to what is right...a calling to the deeds you have committed throughout your life...oh karma comes, or whatever you wish to call it.

Psalm 31:6

"I will trust in the Lord.

I will be glad and rejoice in your love,

  for you saw my affliction

  and knew the anguish of my soul.

You have not handed me over to the enemy

 but have set my feet in a spacious place."

I will trust in justice of a higher kind...I will place my attentions to those things that uplift, that encourage, that bring peace.

Psalm 31: 19-22

"How great is your goodness,

  which you have stored up for those who

  fear you,

which you bestow in the sight of men

  on those who take refuge in you.

In the shelter of your presence you hide them

  from the intrigues of men;

in your dwelling you keep them safe

 from accusing tongues."

I will trust in a God who protects, who never leaves nor forsakes. No longer, dear treasures do I place trust in the words of man...only actions. Early on actions, the kind that have those tiny little red flags popping up all across the landscape of your brain like crime scene photos showing spots of trauma, blood and tears.

Truth comes if we look closely enough...if we peer past our hopes, our dreams, our excitement...if we take a breath and sit with that inner child, that pieced-back-together heart screaming out warnings of familiarity in the new person...we sit and worry about judging, about passing judgements unworthy of them or us....oh no my dear lost ones, this is not judgement, no no. It is perception gained from experience, it is a deep understanding of the works of the human mind, heart and spirit.

We can look, see, observe, perceive and understand what an individual is all about without judgement...without derision or a place of arrogance. That is left to the monster, the abuser...they perceive, observe as do we, only they use it to berate, to ferret out information to be used against at a later date or in the moment.

It is not a wrong doing, a lack of character or honour to truly see people for who they are...you can love from a distance, you can speak words of comfort and encouragement and then remove yourself from the presence of potential harmful intent.

Let them...perhaps this title should be just that...'let them.'

Let them prove themselves kind, helpful, loving, compassionate...let them scale the walls placed round your heart...

Never ever feel wrong, badly or guilty for standing for your principles, for the safety of your heart and mind and spirit. Never....feel....bad. This is what the 'normals' do each and every day...they observe, delineate, discover and move accordingly. No muss, no fuss.

As we grow this becomes second nature, as regular as breathing...

As we heal in a place of peace and safety, as we understand it is ok, it is good, it is fine and it is f*cking well to protect, to guard against those who would do you harm even if only in the moment; we begin to practice it in all we do along with standing and speaking our truth.

With grace, with mercy, with love, with patience...and with a god damn large amount of steel and might, determination and grit.

It is good my friends to stand in this world and begin to see our place in it...no longer fearing being bowled over by the largess of a narcissistic personality. No...fear loses its hold, its tight grip...it falls to the wayside to be trampled upon by love, by understanding.

1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”

My heart this morning swells with determination, with purpose, with an excitement for a future I know nothing about quite yet.

I will live this way, love this way...with all I have. This I will not change about myself.

I will guard and protect...oh but I will love. THIS is our future dear hearts...

A life of love...a life of purpose...

No longer a life of fear and a fear of life...

No more fear of being pushed down into the sh*t and chaos...of fearing life lost...of fearing more pain, more agony, more defeat, more shame, more torment, toruture, betrayals, cheating, fists flying, sad sack of a man screaming in your face...a beast hidden behind a mask of smiles and charms all the while living in refuse, unfinished projects and filth.

When presented, cold-fronted, straight off the top, straightforwardly, with the truth of how the relationship will progress over the next weeks, months, years we would, without hesitation, turn and walk the opposite way. Anywhere but there, with that monster...if we knew the mind-f*ck planned slowly, incrementally over days, weeks....a word here, a gesture there...a turning away here, an in-your-face rage there....slowly immersing you into a cold and soon to get hot pot of sickly soup, a brew perfected over years, coming from a place of trauma not unlike our own...if we knew, would we not drop that hot potato and exit the game stage left?

Yes...the answer is always yes....unmasked monster standing before us? Absolutely yes.

We have encountered the kind that do not hide it, rather boldly state 'this is who I am,' in loud and proud, large and in charge, pride. Never worrying over who they hurt or skip merrily over and past boundaries set...not this kind. But we see them for who they are instantly, or in the first moments...they do not hide, they proclaim while conversely broadcasting giving and helping others. Delusion lives and breathes...

But our kind of creature hides, deceives, devours all while he smiles....

Our kind insidiously created a palace of horrors within their own mind and have lost sight of their humanity, have become lost in a labyrinth of death and destruction, of fists of fire and rages of insanity.

They have wandered aimlessly seeking warmth in a palace of ice and fiery cold...

They lock, leave behind, discarded souls behind doors lining up for what seems like miles...husks of former selves blowing down hallways of stone and strife, walls riddled with refuse and decay.

Oh my friends...may you hear my heart this morning. It has been heavy, incredibly heavy these past days...as I leave behind more of the past, more of the child within the man, I grieve anew. Memories rocketing to the surface in constant motion, the bad outweighing the good, crushing all thought to a human being worth saving within the sociopath.

And we grieve....

And we lay to rest...within the mind erecting a headstone, marking the passing of one who should never have come, who should never have set foot upon the fertile ground of our hearts.

Unworthy to touch a millimetre, nor a hair upon our heads...undeserving of an ounce of the love we gave out...I do not regret loving...no, that dear treasures is a testament to your depth for grace, for mercy, for forgiveness and compassion.

A testament to your courage...

Now...take that courage, that grace, that mercy and turn it, that's it, turn it round and impart that same deep loving kindness and mercy to yourself.

You have spent long enough, far too long, striving to save a life. Now dear lost ones, look to saving your own life, for you are worthy...for you are deserving of every little bit of goodness, oh yes!!

I promise you, all of these emotions flood in like a tidal wave of massive proportions pushing the shit, the crap, the garbage away...those feelings of loss, of uselessness, of unworthiness lift like a cloud of butterflies, gently lifting up and away, free at last....free my friends.

Now step into what is yours...a life of love, of joy, of peace...step in and stand tall, head held high, warrior woman (or man) you have EVERYTHING you need within you, and everything you want is on the other side of fear, the other side of that monster you are beating your head against the wall trying to love, to save.

They don't believe they NEED saving...they are all they want to be...hideously putrid mutants cloaked in robes of finery and lies. Truly you are deserving of more than this; worthy of more than what they are giving you, withholding from you, stealing from you. TRULY!

Go now, go with God...may He watch over you in protection and in love. May His peace that passes all understanding encompass round bout you always.