I don't...

...remember a time when I didn't know, feel the presence of God in my life even as a young child roaming the orchards alone or with a brother or two or three...egging me on to jump from that barn loft, off the top of the abandoned Volkswagen van deep within an orchard down the dirt road from our home, visiting the First Nations graveyard at the top end of the road down from our house, during the waning hours of the day ...I felt the presence of things unseen, whether emotion and angst in those around me in that household, or the spiritual energies of those who had gone before...

Oh I know, some may scoff...may roll the eyes in disbelief...I would say to any who went through childhood as we did know that so much more exists round us than we understand or can nail down to science and leave it there like so many pinned specimens...

There are reasons that highly sensitive people, empaths feel what they do and it goes back to our formative years as children and trauma based moments leaving us reeling in shock, and aiming to be smarter, quicker the next time, and the next time...

My oldest brother and i...a sensitive soul, a beautiful soul...would experience many such in the many homes we lived in throughout our time under the roof of our parents. Houses filled with noises and things that go bang in the night, that leave a chill running up and down the spine...we spoke over dinner of just this phenomenon some years back, and the conclusion he came to was that it was not the homes, or not just...it was us, it followed wherever and whenever our father got the call to move to a new location in his job as an accountant for BC Hydro.

Why do I speak of these things today...I speak on them as it is the groundwork, the foundation of who I am today...our childhoods form us, mold us...either into empathic souls hoping to help others, or into narcissists hoping to keep heads above the water by hurting first, by inflicting pain so very similar to what they experienced; I would even argue that it is akin, a twin to what came before.

We choose everyday to do good, or to do harm...in the moment, or planned out in finite detail...craftily chosen from the knowledge, the insight you handed them when sharing some of your life. I pray you hear me now, hear my heart...it is NOT the fault of the victim for giving, for loving, for sharing insight into their hearts and what makes them tick....no, that responsibility lies on the abuser...

Does it weigh them down?

Does it push at them on the edges of sleep and consciousness?

Does it grow heavier with each passing year, with each passing woman driven out and away by their behaviours?

I believe it does dear hearts...I truly do...it grows heavy with each exodus, with each person running from the trauma and chaos...in defence they add another, and another and another until it distracts, blinds the broken child within with diversionary tactics...social media is their saving grace, their miracle, for there they can lose themselves in perversion, in video after picture after paid love from strangers...

Meanwhile...in the background the soul withers, the spirit blackens, the heart shrivels to the size of a pea, the mind stutters and falls into the groove set in place years and years before...

I may be wrong...but I have lived through the battle and seen the heart and mind and truly believe that beyond some incredibly stupendous miracle, there is no turning back from that path. Death is their master, pain is there joy (others pain), adoration from strangers their proof of life...

No...the only way out is out, away from the battleground you currently stand on, confused and heartbroken, looking for signs of life where there are none...like Hansel and Gretel we are lured in by the promise of sweets, of love, of warmth...oh the irony...it is illusion, temporary and illusory....gone in a twinkle of an eye, in moments meant to shock and demean...

May you see dear treasures...may you see and know that where you stand, the ground you've taken will be taken away from you until you no longer know what is real, what is true...

I will tell you what I have found to be true, to be real...the love of God, the love of family that accepts and cherishes you as you are, not what you could be....the Love and acceptance of those forever friends that hold you up, who support you, who kindle the warmth of love in a chest we thought to be frozen, damaged beyond repair....

'She ain't the one that slammed the door and tore off in a truck

She ain't the one that made me feel like I ain't good enough

But someone's gotta help clean up the mess you went and made

So, here's to friends there to fix a heart they didn't break

She'll help me throw old memories out

Spend a couple of nights there on the couch

She'll keep me off my phone and out of my mind

And she ain't gonna lie

And say it's gonna be alright.'

Maddie & Tae - Heart they didn't Break

You are fearfully and wonderfully made dear lost ones...you are beautiful, precious and cherished...I pray you find your way to that knowledge, find your way off the battlefield, away from the battleground that is not yours to claim. You have not lost the war, no that is yours to hold...only a battle that is unwinnable, "an immoral and unwinnable war" (Websters Dictionary).

Bless you today as you go about your tasks, as you push through walls you cannot see but continue on no matter the pain you feel inside. That is courage dear hearts... a miracle of epic proportions that you persevere in growing stronger in the midst of battles seen and unseen.

Walk tall in that knowledge....stand proud, shoulders back, head held high...you are loved immeasurably, unconditionally...as...you... ARE....

May God keep His loving arms round you, protecting you and keeping you safe....May His face shine upon you, lighting your days and nights...holding up a light to guide your way through the darkness that surrounds your every move. Never alone my friends...never alone.