I Don't Know...

I set sail upon unfamiliar waters some years ago, unsure of my direction beyond the knowing of what I was leaving behind. The current pulled and pushed, carrying me along to a distant shore, in a land that seemed increasingly foreign.

I ride the current now, watching for rogue waves and storms of fury and unresolved rage. I surfed on small breakers until confidence slowly returned; each day teaching me new ways to love and know love, accept love.

I have led as crew boss, taken insult and insecurity within each day and challenged myself to understand more of who I am.

I have worked alongside men of such character and kindness, toughness and skill sets, I sat in wonder and amazement of all that God brings to level the playing field; offsetting the bad with good, the unkind with kindnesses.

I asked not for, nor knew I needed physical closeness until one shining moment I was caught up in a hug and held tight, and each day forward, from a gentleman I liked to call Yukon Rob. A wildfire fighter of some note and repute with not an ounce of ego; a connection forged between two veritable strangers over 2 long deployments.

I have met women of such inner strength, grace and kindness I struggle to emulate and BE, to bring such to others who are in need.

I sit upon the waters and weep...I do not stand in sorrow but carry it with me wherever I go.

I take moments of quiet and thank God continually for bringing me out, for giving me the courage to go, the belief to stand and fight, and the strength to make each day count.

Oh, I do not always succeed. There are days I go under those waves, crushed to the floor of an overwhelming ocean of grief, of a need to see justice, of a need for family.

These days come and with wisdom and experience sitting upon my shoulders, I let the waves wash over me, knowing there is one who stands near, there is one who loves me and will never leave me.

The days become shorter as I recount love shown by a son who never, ever judges, only loves me for where I am, and even better accepts me as I am.

The crushing, drowning moments are fore-shadowed by the love of forever friends, and family, waiting patiently to step in and remind me that I am worthy just the way I am.

Loved...

Accepted...

Cherished...

When my bones were being formed, carefully put together in my mother's womb, when I was growing there in secret, you knew that I was there— you saw me before I was born. The days allotted to me had all been recorded in your book, before any of them ever began.

Psalm 139:15-16

Love saves my friend...long-suffering, true unconditional love.

Not the love that states you must be a certain way or the plug is pulled.

Not the love that expresses love before pain and torture commence. Not that poisonous, hideously perverted love.

Love is mercy...

Love is grace...

Love is giving without thought of what you're going to receive in return....

Love is that friend you rarely see and yet as soon as that door opens and stepping into their arms, you know you're home; safe, accepted, loved.

These things give me pause...these truths are written indelibly upon heart, soul, mind and spirit.

I may not know where I'm headed...I may not know my destination as of yet, but I trust.

I trust that the future is bright, that my steps are ordered, numbered and set upon a path of light.