I Don't Want to Feel like that Ever Again

August 7th, 2022

I heard something today while drinking my morning 'weekend' coffee. 'Weekend' meaning a lil dash or two of baileys.

'You are not stuck, you can begin making changes by changing the way you think. Start with going to the mirror, looking yourself in the eyes and saying "I love you, I really really love you.' Today I begin this practice in the hopes that one day I will believe that I am worthy of love, a magical kind.

I have had some truly rough days this past week on the job. Or off the job and sitting by a campfire or relaxing on the cot in my tent. I believe I touched on this but for the purpose of reviewing what I am doing at the moment I will go over just that.

I am working an hour and a half from the nearest city in the middle of nowhere. In order to save on that oh so costly fuel I decided on camping near the job site. Thankfully there is one other crew member camping so I am not alone with the bears. Either 5 or 6 days a week is spent where no cell service exists and the land is ruled by bugs, four legged creatures and the weather. To go along with all this loveliness (truly the area is beautiful!) are the constant and consistent flashbacks to last fall when I worked on the same job with the abuser. The 3 1/2 months we spent out there together camping in a small 24' camper was sheer hell. Verbal, mental and emotional abuse with a healthy mix of a constant threat of violence had me jumpier than a mouse surrounded by felines. I often cried... if not daily. Discovering his hidden porn habit with live sex and live strip chat along with the flirting done right in front of me and the lies told of not taking/giving phone number with the flirtee, his constant meltdowns, verbally belittling me, sexually abusing (that I won't get into at this time)and the mindfuckgames he played... ALWAYS!

I look back and wonder why.

Why did I stay?

Why did I put up with the constant anger and hatred directed at me?

Why did I continue to love him?

Why did I continue to hate myself?

Oh I hated myself so much for staying and not standing up for myself. I made a vow the day I realized how low my self respect had sunk. Every time I said nothing in the face of his angry words of filth I lost more and more respect and love for myself. So, one night I sat on the bed and said 'no more.' I will no longer be silent. I will speak my truth, quietly and kindly, but I will stand up for myself no matter what the cost. For wouldn't it be death to completely lose respect for..... you? The death of self, the death of id. The id that makes you, uniquely you. And I did... one word at a time, I began to stand for 'me.'

Why did I continue to smile, laugh and love. Perhaps the word should be how? How did I make it through and continue to function as a medic and safety advisor?

The only answer for me lies in two directions. The first and most important is simply put..... God. He sustained me, comforted me and surrounded me with His love.

The second is, I got stronger. With every cut, every biting word, every rejection, every lie of betrayal I grew...... and became more.

So you see my dear hearts, dear dear ones....... You are growing stronger with everyday you endure your own personal hell. You will make it out and if you are out, you will get better.

I know, I am there with you and have been there! In that personal hell. Oh yes and I made it out and I am getting better. Oh I have the lowest of days sometimes. Yesterday was one of those particular days.

Crying at work. Such sorrow and loneliness and missing him. What the hell right? And so I call up memories of his hatefulness, his absolute contempt for me. And it brings me back from missing him, from considering him at all. I woke this morning with a better mindset, thank god.... it scared me... I was that low.

And you know what? I awoke with new strength and a new respect for myself. I made it through that moment and the many many moments of the past. And so can you, so will you.

I believe in you dear ones. Stay strong and get out and most of all...... survive my fellow warriors.