I hate him...

I had a moment... bear with me ok? I had a flash of a moment of seeing him in his unfinished log house, tools and supplies and every other hoarders dream come true laying about the corners and walls... a moment to think how his house and outside his house reflects his personality, reflects his mind....

disordered...

cluttered.....

dangerous...

Everything 1/4 or 1/2 finished but never completely.... including the sex life.

Now that sounds crass and not worthy of the queen I someday hope to be.

Full of grace and forgiveness....

But... at this very moment I feel nothing but disgust and a teensy teensy amount of hatred....

My needs were never put at the top of his list... I was nowhere even near the top of the list and that's on me for putting up with it for so incredibly long and thinking that he would ever keep any of his promises and shock the hell out of me.

I believed the lies for a time, until the truth was so stark and so clearly written right in front of my face that I was forced to accept that he would never change and if anything was going to change, it was going to have to be by me, for me.

I no longer believed his 'I love you's' and 'I love you bear.'

And it showed.... I couldn't hide it any more, my threshold had been reached and I could no longer hide the sorrow and the disbelief, the sadness and the anger....

The result? I am sure most of you know the result... you've experienced it yourself.

The switch from 'loving' to an incredible raging bubbling hatred.... the eyes would go from a deep amber color to black... that is no exaggeration whatsoever. I saw the switch too many times not to recognize the tornado that was about to touch down on my head.

He raged over a period of two days... on and on and on and on... the verbal battery went on and on with sprinkles of physical abuse to add some spice.

That was the last time I saw him as he stormed out the door to get smokes and taking him at his angry word, the only time he was ever truthful, that he was going to burn the house down with me in it I ran for my life the instant he was gone.

I tell you these stories to help you understand that I know what you're going through.

I've been there and so I stand with you as you try to make your escape or you're out and you're trying to find your way, to find your purpose again after having no life of your own for so long. So long that you've forgotten how to live, to breathe, let alone work, on your own.

You've been so mind-fucked and brainwashed and indoctrinated that you believed them when they told you that you couldn't do anything without them.

But you can, and if you are... keep going, don't give up... We will get through and then, this too shall pass.