I'm Sorry...

I'm so sorry I didn't protect you better...I am undyingly sorry I put you last, pushed down your thoughts, feelings, fears, wants, needs in favour of love...in favour of lies and deceit.

I speak life and gladness to the sorrow and sadness that lives and breathes inside my soul...I speak joy to all areas without that spark, embers only...smouldering in ruins and waste, shrivelled and hiding, waiting on salvation...waiting on grace and mercy...

I will praise...I will rise each day and greet whatever may come with steadfastness, with curiosity and an adventurers spirit. This is who I am...who I will ever be...

I long for far off places and spaces...I long for friends I haven't yet met, relationships not yet forged...I long for adventure, for the smell of heat and dust, ocean breezes off of pristine coastal beaches and climes...I long for intimacy, the true kind...

I long for what is real, what is true, what is kind, what is gracious and loving...

I long for mouths that speak truth, and match words and promises to actions...

I long for that which I know not...which is much.

Each day I speak to the woman, to the child within me that I have consistently let down since childhood....circumstances behooved me to do so...into adulthood and marriage, finding my way through minefields and relationship cues, choosing pain and suffering, choosing religion and laws spoken to guide me on paths never meant for good, only meant for restoration of lost and damaged relationships.

Each day I speak life...I speak love and forgiveness for not knowing better, not understanding more, not choosing that inner child and standing my ground.

Oh it wasn't always so...many times I did just that and still suffered, but I suffered for the woman within who needed protection, who needed guarding, who needed love and compassion.

Within the toxic relationship when standing brought about pain and suffering, conditioning period, little by little in order to survive that woman, that child within was pushed back into a familiar dark corner to shiver in cold distress. Every discussion became a potential landmine; every text, every conversation, every workday a disaster waiting to happen...berated, interrogated, shouted at, fingers twisted and broken over friendly work emails...

What does the lost one do? They do whatever is necessary to survive...lie if you must, divert if you can, distract if possible...then when caught in a lie brought about purely by fear not calculation, blamed for all the inner problems of the partnership....

Never mind the cheating...the 'single' internet life...the sidepieces of various ages...the online porn addiction...the neglect...the high percentage of female friends talked to whenever, however they wish despite cutting off all male friends on your side of the equation. The jealousy is off the charts as they project their own fallacies, their own lies and games, thoughts and actions onto you.

It is a life of torment, of torture and high stakes...lose and you lose twice...once in the discussion, twice in the beating, ranting, raging hours and hours and hours without let up.

Dear treasures...do you see? Do you see what you go through in this brief snapshot of a day in the life? YOU....ARE....NOT...deserving of that...never deserving of such heinous treatment.

Say it with me now....I am worthy of love....I am deserving of kindness, compassion, kept promises, grace and mercy. Always.

Go no and each day as you wake speak those words to yourself...I am worthy...I am deserving until you can see your way clear.

May God bless you with infinite clarity...may He bless you with the courage to accept who you cannot change...may He guide your steps and bless you with an inner knowledge of your worth...Queens each one, Kings each one. Live in love...leave strife and chaos behind, you do not need them, you never have.

The lies they speak are just that, lies. May truth and light guide each step forward. Bless your hearts with grace, with strength, with forgiveness for where you are...you are not at fault, you were the target of a master predator...leave that shame and guilt behind, drop it on the ground at the feet of Jesus where it belongs, in the dust to be ground to nothing beneath your step in the right direction. Love....that direction...the real deal, not that crap they are shovelling, heaping on to your head the refuse, the garbage they expect you to accept. No...no more lost ones, no more. Stand...fight...walk with pride and acceptance of who you are and stand...be wise as serpents, harmless as doves and walk it out.