I Never...

I never want to feel that way again....ever....never...

This is what has been rising to the surface...slowly floating to the top and coating every thought, every action....

Fearful...anticipating every mood shift, every swift kick in the direction of the crazy train...ready for whatever came and praying, believing, hoping to have the right words...the correct formula for deflecting the raging shitstorm soon to be seen on the horizon....

Wishing to be as beautiful, smart, and all in as I could, to showcase the love felt, to sway the pendulum in a positive direction...

Oh dear hearts...last evening as the light faded in the west, I stood at the sink washing dishes and thinking of fear and the upcoming Monday event....and I thought, yelled, screamed, exploded...NO....no, no, no, no...hard and forever no to ever allowing myself to feel fearful of someone as despicably evil, as inhumanly heartless....allowing myself to feel fear for someone so small....someone who needs to abuse to feel better, to feel grand and Kingly, Godly even....

'Oh how the mighty have fallen in the midst of battle.' 2 Samuel 1:25

I go forward with the sword of the Spirit, the 'girdle' of truth around my waist....armed with truth and righteousness...for what is righteous if not proclaiming truth against evil deeds...the wrongful, unholy baseness within the person you loved and making damn sure it happens to not one woman more.

I go in peace, in love and forgiveness...I go with courage poured into me by the many mighty women that have come before me... fighting for what is right, what is true....so many examples to pull from and I unworthy of standing anywhere near them or being in the same class...but I take courage from each, I take love poured into me by close forever friends and family.... I walk with that cloaked and settled upon my shoulders, granting me strength of mind...extending invisible hands of compassion and enveloping me in a peace that passes all understanding.

This is where God lives...within each one who gives of themselves, freely and without judgement or expectation. This is where He pours out his love and favour and grandeur. We are children of God, each of us...tasked with creating a world full of goodness, of standing against evil as it seeks to devour and debase....

Oh my friends...what love awaits...what peace...what joy and purity of life. You have stepped away from the filth, from the muck...walked out of the pit and into all that is good and kind and true.

Dear treasures....(thank you Big Bro Bobby)....dear lost ones...give up on loss, on sorrow, on grieving and crying tears of frustration and shame....step into hope, into peace, into love and kindness, into compassion and grace and mercy....

This is what we are destined for...each one of us. Walk tall my fellow Queens and Kings...step out with pride and the knowledge of how special and uniquely loved you are.

Bless you....May God richly bless you with life, with laughter, with joy unspeakable and unshakeable.