If Hell were Cold....

I imagine that if Hell was cold instead of what is written, a lake of fire, it would be as cold as it is here in this little town sitting frozen under a dark morning sky.

A Fog-like cloud hovers in a deadly cold haze and everything is still and quiet.

One would think that nothing and no one moves on mornings like this but here in 'lil Alaska' (northern BC) things still need to get done.

And so... equipment is fired up and warmed up for a good 20 mins before moving, vehicles too, people bundling up in layers and walking about getting ready for Christmas or just getting out to walk the dog.

Life doesn't stop for the cold in this part of the country.

This morning is -40 and a good friend Anna bundles up and makes her way to work every morning, cold as hell or not.

This, dear hearts, is fortitude. Doing what needs to be done in the moment and continuing to put one foot in front of the other.

I can make my own way.

I can continue on one step at a time.

We can work that job, work that business we've been dreaming of, make new friends and re-unite with old ones. The true friends, the ones that truly care about you and will be there through thick and thin will stay true. Anyone else? They are not your people, they are to be loved through their own walk in life but that does not mean they need to be a part of your world. It is far too hard to convey the irrevocable damage done while with our monsters, too exhausting to try to educate those who do not wish to be educated.

Did we not do just that with our own personal abuser?

I felt like every day was a constant battle, a constant dropping back and re-grouping only to do and say the same damn words with more love, with more patience... more and more and more... only to be given nothing but the very basic (and most times not even that) of human kindness and expected to be grateful for it.

'I've been nice to you...'

This is what I felt I was reduced to. Happy for the scraps he gave out, happy when he wouldn't go on his phone constantly, or sit somewhere I couldn't see it, or dart out to check his 'email' to see if money was placed in his bank, or time spent in the shop but getting nothing done because he was in there hiding his porn addiction.

The time I caught him taking care of 'himself' in the back seat of a customers pickup....

And then the 'happy' started to wear off as I realized that I was not content with being relegated to 'friend.' I began to tire of being so emotionally, mentally and physically neglected.

Honestly.... I'm trying to keep the sailor mouth I acquired down to a minimum... but sometimes Fuck is the only word that correctly conveys the disgust and pain I felt as he once again plummeted me to 'no one' status all the while telling me he loved me.

He thought he was so damn clever but I had seen it all before, heard it all before from him and two previous men in my life. Smarter minds than his had ran me through the mind-fuck rollercoaster.

He didn't have any new moves, so I waited each time he promised the world to me and I went back hoping for change.

I should have made popcorn, added generous amounts of butter and salt and sat back to watch the repeat show. It was all the same.

Perhaps he knew and didn't care, but I believe he is so immersed in himself and his own shattered ego that he had no idea that mentally standing on the sidelines it was as clear as the nose on his damn face what was coming next.

And still... I loved and I stayed some more... praying and hoping and willing him to get it.

Dear hearts... you too most likely see what is happening in your clearer moments, when the fog is blown clear by some warm southerly wind and what they are, what they intrinsically and egocentrically are, is made clear.

It is without a doubt the most difficult world to live in, for this broken and shattered traumatized child that lives in the mind and heart of the man (or woman) you love is so far beyond our help as to be on another planet in a universe we have not yet discovered.

Oh I know... as I thought the same and part of me always will. The thought?

That with enough love and patience and long-suffering they will come to know, understand and change.

Dear dear warriors, it is not us that will broker the change in the narcissist, the psychopath, the sociopath, the abuser.

Only two in this equation will give light to the darkness that resides within.

God and the abuser.

That's it, just those two.

That cycle will continue on repeat into infinity until the day they die, or the day they grasp who they truly are and decide to make that change.

My hope is gone...

I truly believe that God is a God of miracles... in this I have hope and I continue to pray for mercy, grace, love and forgiveness for the man I loved.

But hope where he is concerned? none, nada... zero hope.

My hope and focus now is on me.

And doesn't that just sound selfish to my own ears... but dear hearts, we must take care of our own inner child, we must heal and believe in ourselves first.

So stay strong, survive, get out and if you're out believe in this one thing...

You are enough.