If I Could...

If I could, I would go back in time...to a time when segregation was a thing and the first African American student to attend University was put in a corner, far from the rest of the students in an amphitheatre style classroom. I'd go back and drag a desk to sit beside him, defying teacher and cowardly racist students all.

If I could, I would go back in time...to the peaceful protest march orchestrated by Martin Luther King Jr. himself, and join hands...

If I could go back in time...I'd stand beside the so-called 'unclean' woman and help her push through the crowd to get to Jesus...

If I could go back and change the downfall of a marriage and obliteration of family through devious ways, change mistakes made and the silence of what truly happened on the other side of the story; I would stand up, I would speak more and find ways to hold everyone together while I fell apart.

How many my friends? How many of us would take the chance to go back and do things differently? One of the toughest elements of healing, of putting trauma to bed, is the regret, the remorse, the shame inherent with abuse of any kind.

We've been told by society in general, by those who know better (cue sarcasm here) in a spirit of being truthful, they inform you 'they would never have allowed that to happen to them.' 'Let it go, 'move on,' 'get over it already.'

I tell you what dear friends, family and strangers, let us do a controlled experiment where you unwittingly meet someone who begins to devalue you, demean you, reject you, hit you, over a long period of time.

A person who is so involved in your life, roommate/partner/coworker, you cannot escape their presence, and you begin to experience this gradual breaking down of everything you know to be true about yourself and your world.

It is inescapable; a slow poison spreading through your brain as you strive to explain the behaviour, find a reason for the strange moments of coldness and aloofness when just the day before you were laughing and chatting, exchanging moments of affection and love.

There is no 'it started here' in this scenario...no start and end point, just random moments that confuse and unbalance.

What goes through the mind and heart of a victim of abuse? What explanation can there be for staying within a relationship that is slowly killing their spirit?

First...why is the onus on the victim?

Secondly...it is by degrees...think boiling pot of water and frog, frog jumps out instantly, vs. cool pot of water being slowly turned up until the frog boils alive. It is a incredibly accurate depiction of the life/lives of those trapped within invisible cages. The first time they get angry, well it's a one-off isn't it? Everyone has moments of frustration right?

The first time they belittle you, you are told 'it's just a joke, don't be so sensitive.' Or as the church enjoys preaching, don't be so offendable. What garbage, what drivel, what a crock of absolute shit. Of course i'm offended when you treat me like garbage...that is a boundary speaking to us loud and clear that the person on the other end has crossed a line, jumped it, flew right past it, obliterated it and on and on.

God help us, we are so far past the age where the victim should be blamed for STAYING within a relationship that has pulled every plug, every life line, every friend or family member who cares, from your life.

Isolation and indoctrination at its finest.

Friends and family who keep their distance just reinforce your shame and support lies being fed to you daily. Those friends and family who outright reject you, block you, go silent...my friends, YOU are aiding and abetting the monster in their lives.

Let's be clear. It isn't easy to be constant in a victims life when every movement they make is tracked and controlled; it's not easy to always understand. But that's real unconditional love isn't it? The kind that says 'yes, I know you're not at fault for what is being done to you, so I will wait here patiently with love and support, long-suffering and compassion.' That's love.

It's time to take responsibility my friends; it's a hard truth to take in but what you do or don't do will either free them, encourage leaving where they aren't loved and cherished, or cementing in stone being trapped, leading to a spiraling further and further into a pit of despair, self-hatred and shame.

May God open minds and hearts to truth, may He open eyes to see, may He bless you with wisdom and grace, compassion and understanding. Let the fate of a loved one not become a regret you wish you could go back in time to fix; their suicide seeing no way out, or their death at the hands of their abuser.

Does it sound dramatic and over the top my friends? Check your stats and you will see a fraction, a FRACTION of the domestic abuse epidemic that lives worldwide. Less than 22% actually report the abuse happening within the home. TWENTY-TWO PERCENT.

Let us begin with compassion and listen to understand.

Leave behind the old ways, the old thoughts perpetrated by men (or women) that put the responsibility for abuse on the victims shoulders instead of where it belongs; squarely on the one DOING the horrific (yes horrific) things to their supposed loved ones.

May you be the reason, one day, that a loved one escapes their dire circumstances. May you be the reason they begin to truly see their worth.