If it's Not Good...

'There's new mercy every morning

Hold on till you see the sun

Sing through the night, lift up your eyes

Joy is on the horizon, oh yes

And there's new mercy, oh, every morning

Hold on till you see the sun (Just a little bit longer)

And sing through the night, lift up your eyes.' Tauren Wells/Elevation Music

Joy is coming...oh dear hearts, keep holding tight to truth, to light, to love...never let them steal that from you, it is who you are. In fact, it is what drew them in, in the first place... to siphon from...to draw from for their own sustenance...

The truth is that what draws them in eventually repels them, for it casts a light on the darkness living within...spotlights and enhances the truth of who they truly are and the shame rises, humiliation rises as they briefly see themselves...the ugly lights come on, they shrink backwards and the monster reveals himself to protect the ego they have built up around their psyche.

Dr. Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde were characters based on narcissism...on the psychopathy of the dual personalities fighting for supremacy, one of evil, the other of good...the mind fractured from childhood trauma seeking recompense rather than empathy...forever seeking validation from the source that caused the trauma, and never finding it so instead using surrogates to demean, degrade, bully as they were as children from the very person who should have protected and loved them. Sound familiar? We find ourselves in the precarious position of fall-guy (woman) for something we had no power over...we find ourselves being demeaned, degraded, bullied by the one person who is supposed to protect, cherish, love...

A cycle that rinses, repeats...rinses again and repeats....over and over and over...never finding satisfaction for it is a two edged sword, one that cuts both ways...they damage themselves with each and every brush stroke of pain inflicted, never understanding that they do harm to themselves...and that while we may heal and grow stronger and mightier for the battles we have endured, they will never find that peace...ever....

The yawning black hole that exists where the heart should be only grows larger with each successive victim.

During the later summer I related a story of coming upon a fire on the Holy Cross Forest Service Road and having two elderly characters I coined the 'grumpier old men,' come to my assistance, not far from where I had ran from, the x's home....one of the men knew him well and when speaking of getting more water for the p*ss can I had used on the fire, spoke of him and asked if I knew him...speaking my truth I said yes I was an x-gf and this sweet cantankerous elderly gentleman wearing the rattiest fishing hat filled with lures, spit to one side in disgust and spoke of his path of destruction through women, many many women through the years, and declared he'd get the water elsewhere rather than go to that mans house.

I relate this story my friends as we think that no one knows, this is what was beat into our heads, that they were well thought of and everything he was...was hidden. Not so dear hearts...people know, they see and hear and talk...what is hidden never stays hidden...

The truth shall set you free...

I did not meet those two beautiful souls by accident, there is no such thing as coincidence...that truth opened a door to more truth, to more freedom in knowing I was not alone, to sorrow that I wasn't the first and wouldn't be the last, that more hearts would be broken...more spirits ground to dust...and I prayed, I prayed for mercy and grace and wisdom for whoever is next while feeling the guilt of relief that I was no longer the one under the thumb of the sociopath.

It sounds so very grating to the ear, so poisonous to the tongue as I read it aloud....and yet my friends it is an ounce of the reality, a tenth of the truth involved in these sadistic, incredibly toxic and traumatic relationships. I have amassed an array of stories from different women and one man so far and they vary in degrees of cruelty, but they all have the same base, the same foundation of fact, of grief and confusion.

The prayer is, that the message is heard and motivates and encourages the lost, the broken and the fallen to seek help, to find their way clear to healing and the knowledge of a better life outside the prison walls they call 'home.'

May God bless each one with courage, with strength and with a clear path...with a surfeit of love and compassion to catch them when they fly free and learn to live again, in peace and free of fear.

God keep you dear lost ones, dearest treasures...you are loved without constraint, loved without judgement....you are not alone, never alone....may God see you free....Waymaker, Miracle Worker, Light in the darkness...