Intimacy...

Or lack thereof...what most victims/survivors will delve into last is the lack of intimacy, the moments of oneness described as quick, dirty, unfulfilling, porn-like (literally and in selfish pursuits if you follow my meaning), far and few between...the love-bombs continue straight on through the path of loneliness, the solitary road, the 'friend-zone' confusion and loss, the third, fourth, fifth party people showing up on the phone, in the emails...the dating websites popping up, the incredibly obvious moments of seclusion and absence to give time and the ole one, two pump they are only capable of no matter who is on the receiving end of their compulsion to be adored, flattered, pumped up, sex'd up by some fantasy woman online who moves on to the next sucker in line right after you're done with her.

This lack of commitment suits their needs, their wants, their selfish goal to be the best, to always be wanted whether its paid for or not...

You become the third wheel as it were despite the fact that you are no longer even third...no you stand behind a long line of women set up for just those moments of doubt, of shame...perpetuating the cycle of hate, self-hate and neglect...

I speak on this today as it has come up...over and over again...that the sexual intimacy necessary to a healthy relationship is non-existent and painfully was never there...it was imitated, copied from YOUR reservoir, stolen from your arsenal of wonders and used to lure you in....gasp, can it be true? A man who understands, gives and loves without measure? I'm so sorry my friends...it is a pipe dream, a facade, a lie from the pit of hell...

'The biggest coward is the man that awakens a woman's love with no intention of loving her.'

Bob Marley.

Truth dear treasures...we believe we have found someone who truly understands us...finally...

Misunderstood, misused, mistreated and abandoned by men who could not handle the full package, who did not have the depth necessary to deal with the woman, nor the inherent character and honour to step aside, understanding that they need something simpler, easier, LESS....because they are less...they are small, shrivelled up in selfishness and greed, laying about commiserating on their bad luck, their bad fortune, their bad life...all due to an outside party...not them, never them.

You see dear friends, the lack is unique to them, to that breed of man (woman) who uses, who drains those around them in order to survive, to thrive and then call out all good results, theirs...and all bad results, yours.

It is beyond this personality type to accept responsibility, to be accountable, to change something that hurts their loved ones. They are less because of this, less than the average bear...the amount of times I heard 'I just want to live,' would blow your mind.

'I just want to live,' translates to...'leave me alone, I am going to do what I want.'

Or...'if you don't like it there's the door.'

Or...'if you don't like it I can get a new pair of t*ts in this kitchen right away.' Quite possibly fact.

Essentially its their way or the highway...and when you do decide the hwy looks much better than this path you're on, the death of the relationship is your fault.

The mindf*ck is real.

Dear lost ones...lets get down to the nitty gritty....

If sex is off the table for days, weeks and into months....you are being cheated on in so many ways it's staggering.

ouch...I know...harsh statement, knee jerk reactions erupt all over the page....

I had a friend and superior in the paramedic field who told me on the phone one day...after a break-up where I once again left...that if the sex isn't there, its for that reason and that reason only. Oh I didn't want to believe it...I tucked it away for a time, talked about it with the x...ah my dear hearts...we believe the lies, for the truth is too devastating...we wish so badly to believe the words, the momentary contrition...until we are faced once more with neglect, on top of everything else.

The truth is a dagger to the chest, but after so many thrusts of that knife we begin to form scar tissue, we begin to form a pyramid of abuse, of truth, of facts, of evidence and use them as building blocks to climb our way out of the pit.

Peace...can be found, away....

Love....(the true kind) can be found, elsewhere...

Kindness...oh god, actual kindnesses...can be found, alone...

You see where I'm headed with this...where I head on every post...the only way to freedom is away...the only path to healing is out of the pit of vipers... the many headed monster Hydra will only multiply with every strike of the sword, with every cut of the axe...

Freedom awaits my friends...the light at the end of the tunnel with your name attached...waits for you...

Matthew 19:26 'But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.'

All things....all things lost ones....Waymaker, miracle worker, light in the darkness...God is able.