It Presses...

The years press down...each memory flashing through mind and heart, beginning as a small trickle of rock, quickly becoming an avalanche of debris threatening to bury, to consume.

I seek...I search for peace under this hailstorm of thought, of memory...

I let memory come, seeking not to categorize nor place in a timeline of events...each one leading to the next in no apparent order; just one after the other in a tumble of joy, sorrow and emotions familiar and unfamiliar.

I seek truth...within.

I seek for purpose amidst failures and wins alike...

I seek for God's purpose in and amongst the detritus that has been my life up to this point...

My friends...it is not the choices, or not only...it is making sense of each and every bump along the way and remembering that within those recriminations are many, many memories of good times, of love and joys in my children and seeing them grow from precious babies to lovely adult human beings.

No, it isn't just decisions made, nor mistakes and errors along the way...it is searching for the 'why' behind this very human emotion of being told in so many ways that I am unlovable, broken, a horrible human being, an attention whore, unfit and enemy numero uno.

Dear treasures...this is not a bid for attention despite being told in no uncertain terms that it is the aim with each blog written.

This is not meant to reveal, expose or vilify those in my circle of family and friends...it is meant as a warning, as an encouragement in our search for meaning once again after unimaginable pain.

No matter what is spoken over you and about you, it is not your future and is not a reflection of who you are. It is a reflection as in a mirror to those who hold their book of judgements...

Each one seeing something within themselves and lashing out against the light of truth.

A part of me cringes as I type those words, no matter the rightness and candor seeking to be loosed...

There are many who see this new independence as rebellion, as out of God's order of things.

Oh my friends...establishing new, and reinforcing old trampled boundaries is not acting out, it is protecting that precious woman within...

Standing in wisdom of when and how to speak, and I recommend speaking often in early days of growing in stature and confidence, is part of this healing journey.

Seeing friends and family take a lengthy step back and out of your circle is tremendously painful...you very quickly see the true, the mighty, the loyalty of real unconditional love pop to the surface and stay there...alone but not alone dear treasures, never alone.

Beyond my faith and knowledge that God stands beside me, surrounds me...for many, many months I thought myself alone in the struggle to re-find myself, to re-knit all the broken pieces into something resembling normal.

Slowly but in time, I was shown understanding, compassion and real deal love that buoyed me in my lowest times to keep head above water and a continuation of fighting to just 'be.'

It is a small circle dear friends...but it is mighty in prayer and love for this soul...

I cannot begin to express the gratitude, the thankfulness for those forever friends and family who stand with me, who pray, who lift me from the depths of despair...it will never be enough to just say thank you, to pull in close and love with all I have. Never.

Each one of you, in your own unique ways, kept me from seeking the grave.

Truth dear ones...always truth.

My heart was beaten and bruised; before, during and after as I fought to pull something from the mess of abuses so degenerate they cannot be spoken of here.

Many so-called friends (and family) will grow impatient my friends...only weeks after escaping, stating to me that 'I should be better,' or 'I was abused, and I'M fine' was a definite favourite.

Ok Karen...were you? Or were you the belittler, the put-downer, the self-righteous judger?

What category do they fall into? Your world has fallen down around you; in every direction as you turn to survey the damage, has been decimated by raining fire and destruction. But we should be 'better,' we should be 'okay.'

No...we shouldn't. Every survivor has been exposed to some element of abuse that most have no idea exists...or if it does that 'it can't have been that bad.'

One day, if we use our voices to expose, to highlight, we will see true justice done to those who assault, abuse, torture, for fun. FOR FUN...every tear collected to gloat over later...

While most of us maintain memories to teach, to effect change and growth, these monsters (yes, monsters) employ these techniques of abuse to groan in delight over later, (and in the moment of course).

They LIVE to fill dark spaces with the delight of your tears and groaning, your pain and fading bruises...evil exists my friends, but it is not all the devil.

The men in my life could give him lessons...sounds dramatic does it not?

Oh to have a recording of a survivors history so you could see, hear and re-live their memories. You would not sit in judgement then...or perhaps you would...perhaps.

I pray for your understanding and enlightenment.

These issues are living in your backyards, in your churches, in establishments meant for help and support, in the RCMP and justice system in this country and many others.

I would direct your attention to Australia at the moment...I would say we are on a par with them for statistics, but these past months of 2025 have been burdened and overwhelmed with deaths of women; 14 women and 4 children so far...with 2024 showing 103 women, 16 children.

And for Canada:

The Canadian Femicide Observatory for Justice and Accountability (CFOJA) has documenting sex- and gender-based killings of women and girls in Canada since 2018. In 2024, 187 women and girls violently killed in Canada in 2024; in the majority cases where the accused was identified, the accused was male (93%).

Those recorded...and reported. This does not cover the Domestic Abuses, nor the unreported Intimate Partner Violence committed each and every day.

When does it end?

Where does it end dear friends?

Only when we stand together...as women, yes...but more importantly as a Country.

In 2024, 6,636 Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) incidents were reported in Ottawa, resulting in 3,355 charges.

The disparate part of these statistics is the actual charges being laid, and then we wonder why men continue to abuse? What they do not show is the low level charges being laid at the feet of these perpetrators, shooing them back out the door to continue in their specific line of abuse.

I could go on and on with these reports...it is a never ending, distressing line of study.

It presses down upon each victim, every survivor wrestling with a system of justice so broken...

It slaps and beats upon the psyche of each one to be shown in every way possible that they are NOT supported, not validated by those put in place to do just that.

This all culminates in a whirlwind of emotion for survivors of abuse...the friends and family drifting as far out of your universe as possible, a justice system set on protecting the monsters, hitting a brick wall of patriarchy and misogyny.

Let us not give up the good fight dear treasures.

Let us come together to effect change...with wisdom and clarity of thougth and purpose.

It is time.

May God bless your day with courage, with confidence in each step as you find your way from darkness to light.

May you be surrounded with loving kindness...

May you find your people, those who love without reservation or condition...

May your steps be guided by a Heavenly Father who never leaves nor forsakes...never alone.