Just Like That...

And just like that...circumstances change...the day by day, minute by minute testing is over, for a time. Yesterday was a day filled with the manic portion of the personality sitting beside me...happy to the extreme, filled with enough energy to power a full-scale city...laughing at every bump while casting out pointed comments on her better driving and avoidance of the holes and craters and bumps along the road. The staring to figure out what my mood is...which rarely changes if I'm honest...I have streamlined the ability to just 'be.'

The glances, the questions all come from a desire to pinpoint the best way to be one step ahead, to file away for later use...my friends, narcissism is alive and well in many.

Throughout the morning and later near lunchtime with the second group of contractors and firefighters, medics and so on I stood back and watched as she made her way amongst the groups, wondering when the shoe would drop and the mood would change from energizer bunny to angry, sullen female. It came with a change in plan once we were back at base and in the office speaking with the ladies there. We were to be split up...one continuing with the two fires and one going off to the great beyond north of Fort St. James. She made her desire to stick with the original groups in a whisper near my ear as I stood at a map tracing and planning out routes. In the end we agreed to rock, paper, scissors to see who went where and while I thought it was great fun my coworker did not. Scissors cut paper and she was off to new fires in areas we had already traveled throughout the summer.

I relate these stories dear hearts to showcase the battles, yes battles...how often have we given in, acquiesced, bowed to others needs before our own...to our own destruction at times, to our own frustration and yet...to take a stand and choose our own desires sounds and feels so selfish. Cringe worthy...I struggle with these emotions, with knowing it is ok to choose me sometimes. The anger and sullen looks received after the win...the walk to the compound to gather things from the work truck was a quietly charged walk.

Remember who you are my friends...it is ok to stand for you...to say I'd like to do this, not that...in the meantime I thank God with all I have for the reprieve from toxicity, from derision, from judgement, from the 'I'm better than you' attitude and disrespect.

I enjoy being alone...driving alone...singing along with the music, talking to God, spotting the animals in wonder, standing in awe of the brutal power and destructive monstrosity that is fire. I thank God for peace...for the ability to talk with strangers and walk among alpha strong males and females and offer comfort, kindness and compassion, alone.

Today I take myself back out to the Tatuk Lake fire and the massive fire at the end of the Holy Cross and across the Kenney Dam and I look forward to the time alone. I continue to revisit areas that bring back memories and as I breathe through the flashes of thought and snapshot moments it becomes easier and the area brings new thinking, new memories and moments of laughter to replace tears and fears of what went before.

May your day be filled with love, with peace, with grace and mercy...

May God direct your path, your steps as you walk tall, stand proud and speak your truth.

Go kindly dear treasures...go with grace...go with truth...and see the goodness God has for you, see the worthiness of who you are in Him. Loved, cherished and accepted in all your gloriousness. You are a priceless treasure...no matter where you stand right now, this moment...no matter how deep in the pit of filth and despair...loved beyond compare, without borders my friends. Loved.