just living life

Something came to me tonight out of the blue.... I was once again going over in my mind all the things I could have done differently, and you know what? There isn't anything I could have done differently.

Why you ask?

Have a seat and let me educate you on the cycle abuse takes, for a consistent cycle it is. Oh, sometimes they jump from one side (? ya get what I'm saying lol) of the cirlce to the other and right out of the usual track.

However, let me assure you that while this may happen, it happened rarely. I began to recognize the pattern that he stuck to for the most part. Loving, sexual intimacy and utter and absolute forgiveness for not staying, for leaving him and for the mistakes I made and even may. make in the future.

Wooooo eeeeeeeee..... What a massive mining truck load of bulls*it.

Oh it sounded pretty damn great didn't it? Everything you wanted to hear.... oh you're not the only one who knows something about the other person in the relationship. Oh no, they know exactly what you want to hear, and conversely, what hurts you the most.

So....

1. Superstar lover - love bombing, hugely affectionate and sexual

2.Threatening, belittling, shaming asshole. - putting you in your place.

3. Bread crumbs of affection and love - giving you scraps from the table to keep you docile.

4. Random moments of anger, perhaps even violence, or at the very least the hint of it-Keeping you silent

5. Friendship type companionship, with a sprinkle of impatience, withholding of sex - friend zoned...hard

Then BAM.... cycle begins again with the most likely chance of a sprinkle of weird and wacky rabbit trails just to keep you on your toes.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

The whole thing is a constantly cycling, mind bending, soul fracturing..... fucking game.

And then.... you escape, you live to see another day... and another.... and begin to believe that perhaps there will be a really really good life coming your way.

Now listen carefully those who are reading this not from the victim/survivor viewpoint but as one who is seeking knowledge.

People know that we are damaged and broken, but what they don't know is that we are just barely able to to keep going because of the overwhelmingly heavy weight of not knowing how to live anymore.

Read that again and again until it sinks in. We have lived so long under the rule of our abuser and absolute controlling influence in everything we do that it as though we have been blinded and set out to try to navigate our way through a city/country we do not know, and are completely unfamiliar with and who do not speak our language.

This is just how I feel, but I have a sense that I can speak knowledgeably as to the emotions and fallout after escaping the abuse. We are cast aside like somebodies unwanted trash and then left to try to learn how to live independently once again while dealing with the mental anguish and torment that was unleashed on us over whatever period of time is personal to you.

I am struggling with getting this thought across properly and strongly believe that I am failing horribly.

I will sit on it and try to expound at another time and other post.

Just know this.....

Those survivors (or victims of abuse that is ongoing) you may run into need every kind and compassionate word and gesture you can give.

They need patience and understanding as they try to figure out where they go from here in this big bad world that is now so strange to them.

Dear hearts.... love one another and be long suffering. Most of all to yourself. Give yourself the same patience and love you'd give someone close to you, going through the same thing. You deserve it, all of it.

May God make His face to shine upon you and keep His Angels watch over you and keep you safe.