Lambs to the slaughter....

I took a moment this morning to enjoy the sight of the fading moon nestled within dark clouds, the sound of birds outside my window, and the peace you find only in the wee hours before dawn breaks. Everything that could go wrong had me scrambling for solid ground...woodworking project stuck to the counter, coffee grounds tipping into fresh sudsy sink water, filling the pour-over coffee a tad too much and losing precious amounts to the now infamous counter.

My hands shook...my knees were, of a sudden, weak....trained responses to being a sometimes naturally clumsy person....you see, I was told hateful words that triggered childhood responses to making mistakes, and compounded the self-conscious mind despite the years of career inspiring confidence.

What is wrong with you?

Stupid...

You break everything you touch...

Are you good at anything?

You should just die, throw yourself under the wheels of a big rig...

Well you get the picture...

Before you wonder what I was doing with someone who spoke to me in that way, or erupted in rage over the littlest of things, and yet would take the big things in stride, let me tell you a story...

An example was his 50 year old Stanley belt sander...that thing was a tank and weighed almost as much...I managed to get the cord sucked inside the sander....turned it off, as it was sparking and shooting out the cutest little flames and unplugged it, but the damage was done. I remember standing in place, breathing a little heavily and thinking...oh shit, I killed his un-killable sander. I was petrified to tell him but knew it had to be done and walked over to where he was working on his mill. I merely stood in place, waiting for him to notice me and once he turned the machine off, he gave me a strange look as I'm sure my face showed every bit of worry and fear of his anger. In disbelief he just said...'no way.' add expletives here...

He was shocked and not happy but..he didn't get angry, didn't give a tongue lashing as I feared or worse and the let down of adrenaline was as intense as the fear itself.

No...he reserved his anger for the ordinary, for the things the average person would laugh at. It served him well as I never knew what would set him off, but I learned to watch for the build-up.

And so this morning I battle demons of not being good enough, not being enough...

The memories flood in and my cup of heaven sits unnoticed...cooling in the pretty white and blue mug...

I must confess that I was a coward...

The monster in my life mistreated his animals in much the same way as me....

And I could do nothing....nothing but beg for him to stop...

I will never put myself first in those type of situations again...ever. I will take the physical pain of assault over standing by helplessly as he abused our pets.

My favourite...smoky Joe...a massive 160 pound giant with a heart of a lamb, except when protecting the animals and people under his care. He has made his way to a land of love and freedom, thank God.

He was 9 when I met him, he stood tall enough that he hit above my waist, a big gentle mammoth..... I remember wondering why he looked so sad and made it my mission to see a smile on that huge golden face. Treats, pets, romps outside and plenty of belly rubs and grooming and within a couple of months he was smiling all the time and my heart was full. Until the time I was there to see the monster torture him by pounding on his dog house with a shovel and once chased out, he came running to the deck and to the front door where I stood. I had my hand on his large head with no thought in my head but fear for the dog, fear for myself. He made his way over and stood over him threatening him with the shovel and getting angrier because Smoke was a talker and making growling and moaning noises.

While I did beg him to stop, grabbed his arm until he turned on me...this went on for the longest few mins of my life and Smoky Joes.

I cannot begin to describe the guilt I feel, the sorrow this morning I feel over being too afraid to move...to do something.

My heart aches....

The tears flow....

The evil within that man and yet my continued love for him paints a picture... A picture of the worst kind of brain washing, mind f*ckery....

And so this morning I shake free of the fear of being reprimanded for something as silly as spilling coffee grounds...of getting something stuck to a counter...

I shake free of thinking I am being watched for the smallest of mistakes, so the monster can feel better about his own darkness, his own lack of character and heart.

I will no longer live under those dictates and will free myself of the burden of shame and guilt.

I will no longer stand idly by while evil is being done...while monstrous deeds are being committed.

I thank you dear hearts for your patience and your love as I work these things out and I pray daily for your healing and heartaches...

God be with you this beautiful Sunday morning, may He make His face to shine upon you lighting up the dark places and driving out the evil words of the enemy.