Leaving

Once again I sit with a steaming cup of java, blanket over my lap and music playing quietly in the background. I have come to appreciate these quiet moments before the world, or at least my part of it, wakes. Even the birds are quiet at this time of the morning...

Pre-coffee, I opened my window and stood breathing in the cold, clean northern air and just listened...

Listened to the faint sounds of the mill a mile or so down the road...to the one diesel truck motoring not so quietly on his way somewhere and then nothing.... silence.

In the silence I wait; I wait to hear my own thoughts, I wait to hear the heart of God and any wisdom I can get, I wait until the anxiety settles to a manageable level, I wait until all the dreams/nightmares from the nights sleep slip away into the darkness of the morning.... until my mind and heart are still.

Some days this works and some not so much...

Everyday that I rise from my bed it becomes easier to make the determination to be better; to heal, to leave the memories and the grief behind.

I sit this morning and write with a thankful heart. Thankful for the grace to continue this walk to freedom.

Thankful for having this blog to chronicle the journey, to chronicle the struggles and thankful to anyone who takes the time to read my story and learn from my mistakes and experience.

Freedom means so very many different things to so very many different people.

Freedom from fear... that tops the list for me.

Freedom from abuse... also the top of the list... My sanity was becoming a serious question mark as I lived with the man I loved. Everyday I wondered how I was going to wrestle down the outrage at the frequent and ongoing betrayals. Every day I struggled with how to love with grace and forgiveness in the face of his neglect, his abandonment of me emotionally, mentally and physically. Everyday I struggled with the evil that lay just beneath the surface waiting for the opportunity, the one word that would tip the scales and unload hell.

For Hell it was.

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck... well you get the picture I'm trying to paint here.

Living in it, denial becomes commonplace.

How many times while on calls for assault/abuse did I hear 'it's not that bad,' while thinking 'oh hunny, it is that bad,' as the evidence was plain as the bloody nose on their face, or the black eye swollen completely closed and leaking bloody tears. Yeah, it was that bad.

Too many times...and then I stepped into the same pattern of denial and lies to cover why that day at work I was sporting a swollen and bruised jaw from left to right, a broken nose and the beginnings of racoon eyes...red marks around my throat from being choked...

I told a lot of lies to hide what I was living through...

This is one example of evil... to create an environment that necessitates lies to hide the shame, and then accuse the victim of being a liar.

Evil exists where grace and love are absent.

Evil exists and will continue to exist until a stand is taken against it. Until the victims loved ones stand with them not abandon them because, you know... the victim chose to place themselves in this situation.

Oh, I say you give it a month or two in the mind-fuck, shaming, beating, victimization, gaslighting, narcissistic land of hell, then come chat with me about never allowing that to happen to you, chat with me how you would do it differently.

You do NOT KNOW the path we've walked until you've stepped into our worn out shoes.

You cannot.

I hope to hell you never discover what it's like to be so ground down into the dust that you are unable to lift your head for fear of it starting all over again.

There is no up, no down, no forward, no backward....there is only the abuser.

Moments of clarity come with a price and it is a price that is near impossible to bear.

Why you ask? Why is it unbearable?

Victims of abuse blame themselves.... for everything.

We live with the lie that we are unworthy...

that we are undesirable...

unwanted, unnecessary ....

ugly....too ugly... aren't we lucky that the man we love keeps us around...

useless.... can't even do laundry right, clean the house right... how did we manage before?

we have nothing, are nothing....

and on

and on

and on the lies go.

Unbeknownst to the family that doesn't pay attention, they can add to these lies.... give them credibility.

The rejection of family or friends cements the lie, cements the evil that the abuser whispers... yells...

....insidious foul lies.

Oh dear hearts... if you're reading this and a family member is with an abuser or you suspect they are... give compassion unceasing. They did not choose this life...

They did not choose to be so violently abused...!!!!

The victim was chosen for the very characteristics missing in the monster. Chosen...and played...

Your patience and love and compassion are crucial to their escape.

If they do not have this, if they do not see the love and compassion from those closest to them, the victim will stay. Or, if they got out they will go back.. believing they are unworthy of anything good or lovely.

God love my family and bless them... I have one family member who will love me to the moon and the stars and back, no matter what. It is this young man that unknowingly gave me the strength to finally run, to finally see the evil in the man I loved.

It is most likely the biggest reason my abuser hated when I would go to visit... He knew the love there, saw it and heard it in conversations whether on the phone or in text.

He tried his best to poison my mind, make it something sick and twisted but I clung to that purity of love with everything I had.

The rest of my children and their spouses will one day know the story and their place or lack of it in the past 3 years.

I tell you this to encourage you the family or friends, to not give up no matter how many times they go back to the abuser. Studies show that the victim will go back many many times before they finally find themselves in the chaos. And how are they going to find themselves worthy if you do not throw up a mirror of love to show them they are deserving?

And for you precious souls that are in the midst of hell right now... do not give up no matter what people say around you to encourage you to stay or worse dismiss or discourage...

You are worthy of all that is good and lovely. Always.

Stay safe, survive and get out... get away from the lies and the deceit and find your way.

I am so proud of you for hanging on for so long... you've come so far. Too far to give up.

May God bless you and keep you in His loving arms and remind you that you are fearfully and wonderfully made.