Life After Death

Fog rolled in sometime this morning under the cover of darkness and as the light slowly pushed out the darkness I realized I was looking at the perfect analogy of my life.

Darkness had descended upon my head with all the force of an anvil being dropped squarely on my brain pan. Running from the abusive monster I willingly went back to, believing the lies, that darkness began to incrementally lighten with every passing minute of every passing hour. The light of life, of love and compassion, of freedom, pushed the blackest of nights from my view until I could breathe once more without the ever present fear that was my constant companion.

The fog on this cold winter morning is representative of the ongoing journey to find my purpose once more, to let go of the pain... at times it showcases the chaotic mess I swim in most days, just trying to keep my head above water. Knowing... knowing deep deep down that this too shall pass, that the fog will lift and I will see and know my worth in all its shining light.

Dear hearts... we are light and love... God has proclaimed this over us, built it into our very beings from a very young age.

When we were going through our own personal traumatic experiences as children we were never ever alone. God heard us, saw us in our pain, our tears and as a dear friend just reminded me, 'God saw you in your pain and tears and cried with you.' Never forsaken, nor left or abandoned. It is during this time that I believe the choice was made to shine rather than to steal others joy, to give rather than to steal others light and radiance and replace it with pain and suffering. We chose to embrace the suffering, the heartache and work to create happiness to surround those around us.

Oh, we are not perfect.... mistakes and regret live on inside everyone... however, we endeavour to do the best we can to love and love large.

The saddest, most heartbreaking of choices was made long ago by our particular abusers to hug the pain tight and nurse it until that torment dictated every choice, every word and deed.

To harm

To squash

To create havoc

To disrupt.....

and on and on it goes, where it stops nobody but God knows.

And so we pray. Why? Because they are loved too... God cries for them too... His heart breaks with every poisonous word spoken...

His heart breaks with every physical touch that is not given in love, rather in anger and rage and designed to break the one who loves them and dares to shine that light of love upon their black-as-night heart and mind.

His heart breaks with every devious deed done to torture and maim.

I believe this with every fibre of my being.... with every breath taken... Gods heart aches with disappointment and yet... He continues to love us all.

I do not know if the evil within my personal monster will ever come to an end.

I do not have all the answers but I know this.... we must seek out a new path of our own making and not go back to the destruction that awaits within that circle of evil and wrongdoing.

is it not evil to purposely harm another by word or deed?

is it not evil to tell someone you love them and in the next second strike them with your fists repeatedly, in the head?

Is it not evil to cast blame on the victim? That somehow their abuse is a reaction to your wrongdoing?

Is it not evil to lay down beside your loved one and sleep like a baby all the while you are cheating behind their back? Betraying their love daily?

Oh dear ones... it is time to let the light push out the darkness and find your way into the fullness of joy and love.

Here there be monsters.. and they lay in wait to create yet more destruction.

That path brings only darkness and the antithesis of joy and love, for they cannot stand to live in the light for long... it brings to the surface all their pain, all the love they did not have as a child and they are jealous, envious of your radiance.

They will endeavour to bring you down to their level. It took time but I learned to not react, to speak in defence of my actions less and less.

Oh yes, there were times where I just put my head down and dreamed of being able to strike out, to hurt him. But despite opportunities presenting themselves to me (the work of the enemy) I never once hurt him physically. He believed me weak... and in my own way I was... I lived in fear of his rages and the onslaught that would surely come.

Living with three brothers, I learned how to fight.... my oldest taught me how to defend myself... taught me how to defend in a manner designed to incapacitate with deadly force.

As a medically trained woman I also knew where to hit, where to strike for the prime effect... but I did not, even when he unknowingly left himself open.

I am not instructing you not to defend yourself... in those times he uses physical force, or you believe he intends on truly ending your existence then I absolutely condone doing what you must.

Did I believe he was going to kill me more than once, twice, six or seven or eight times? I lost count... yes I did and I defended but only up to a certain point. That was my mistake.

I pray for your discernment in the physical abuse situations, because despite the abuse we are so programmed to take it that we go along... hoping it will end.

if I had fought back with intent... it would have been self defence. Bruises, bleeding, torn clothes.... all these tell the story, your story.

This is me not telling you what to do my dear hearts... in the end it is your decision how far to go, your decision on when to get out before it comes to that choice! and I pray for your continued protection and that God will lead and guide you into safety and harmony of spirit.