Light at the end of the tunnel.... exists right?

June 25th

Well, its one of those days dear hearts. I awoke in the night from a nightmare I could not remember, fear sitting dewy on my skin, breath coming in small gasps.

I have nightmares of the x.... I have let him go, reclaimed my little bit of soul I gave him, gave his back with my will, and words, and still..... still I'm haunted.

I'm haunted with memories, with regrets, with thoughts that somehow his behaviour is my fault as he said. Could I have loved more, worried less? Could I have forgiven more and forgotten the past?

This is hard to do as the last time I saw him he put his head into a window, pushed me down for daring to talk back.

I believe and, oh god, I welcome your input, hope for your input dear people... I believe that I am not cut out for relationships. I only hurt those I love. What kills me despite knowing that he is abusive is that I hurt him by leaving, by giving up on 'us.' He told me every time I left that I was abandoning him.

I was pushed out that door by neglect and abuse of the worst kind I've ever experienced, he told me more than once that I should just 'fuck off.' That its no wonder I turned my x-husband gay... have I looked in the mirror recently? How ugly I am and so on and still....

I hurt for him.

People! this is Trauma bonding.... and the empaths cross to bear. We feel their pain.... other peoples pain but most especially those close to us.

I ate my way through the day yesterday as those words pinged and ponged throughout my brain pan. Words I had heard as a child from one of my brothers on the regular. Something wrong with me and after 3 serious relationships to 3 different type of abusers (and yet eerily similar) I struggle with fighting against the thought.....

Is there something wrong with me?

Am I destined to be alone?

so dear ones, be safe and hold on. I'm holding on as tight as I can so I ask you to do the same and bless you for it, for I know how incredibly hard it is to get out of bed and face the day and all its fears and obstacles.

God bless you mightily and keep you safe.