Little Bits.... and big bites

Little bits of life and joy and laughter..... and big bites of sorrow and loss and grieving for all the plans made around a lie, around false promises, and around someone who never meant one single word spoken.

The grieving is hard, but worse is the absolute feeling of abandonment and desertion.

Going from feeling like I had a future with someone I loved so absolutely to being deserted so completely so concretely that I feel as adrift and out of control as a tiny piece of driftwood caught on the currents of a raging river.

.....yes... I can hear you thinking 'not love, oh no, that is trauma bonding.'

The love, regardless of how and why it's there, is real. This is why its so hard to break away... To us, to me..... it was as real as the cold winter wind on my face, the sun shining through hoar frosted trees.... REAL....

Understand dear ones, this grieving process is raw and difficult to process but process we must if we're to move on with our healing and growth and dreams of a better future.

Let yourself be happy in whatever moment(s) you can.

Let yourself feel the sorrow and breathe it out with every tear, with every scream (scream if you need to), with every sob.

Like the tides, the emotions will ebb and flow. Some days... oh screw that... some moments you will swear you are losing your mind with grief but in the next breath feel the release of emotions.

There is no wrong or right way to grieve... it just comes and we cry and rage and cry some more until it feels as though our hearts are shattering into a million pieces.

Oh to some this will sound dramatic but dear hearts... if this is so, let the drama unfold.

It is our story.. no one else's.

Did we not just live a nightmare story? (and some still going through it)

A little drama, or a lot, is to be expected in the aftermath. Oh yes. Expect it and give yourself the room and comfort to do so.

I know this... in order to move forward I must leave all of it behind.

In order to move forward I must leave those dreams created on a fantasy behind me.

In order to move forward I must begin to think of new dreams, new directions.

I must tell you that while this is frightening, it is also incredibly freeing. Like the weight of a thousand worlds are beginning to fall off my shoulders. And this is only the beginning.

If you are reading this and contemplating going back.... I will plead with you to re-think and to remember the things done to you before you make that decision. There will be no judgement if you decide to take the chance on that person in your life, we have all been there.... but as a community we will pray for your safe return and even more so for the hope that one monster out there is willing to change and do the work necessary.

Stay safe dear hearts and survive. One day you will know true love and the freedom of loving someone you can trust to keep you safe. I believe this, hope this, pray this everyday.

God keep you and make His face to shine upon you, wherever you are.