Lonely Free Mornings

Waking to the sound of a diesel engine idling at a high rpm and producing a sound similar to a jet engine preparing for takeoff, I lay with eyes closed and take in a deep deep breath as, like clockwork, every morning my heart rate takes off the instant I open my eyes. Sometimes even before, as I come awake the heart is already galloping.

These and other moments when loneliness kicks in, missing the warmth of that other body, the feel of the arms around me and soft breath on my back, and the quiet of the cold morning on my face, I remind myself of the moments that take over and engulf the good memories.

No more fear of which of the two wolves that live inside the man I escaped from, would emerge each morning. The good wolf or the ravenously angry wolf seeking to rip, tear and destroy the one they 'love?'

No more fear of who he's talking to now and lying about it...

No more fear of being ignored sexually and replaced with the various 'live' porn stars he turned to.

No more wondering if this time while out in public who and how many he was going to stare at, ogle, check out and then deny it right to my face.

No more fear of being called any and every horrible name he could think of...

And he was creative, I'll give him that.

Too many hurts to bear while living lonely in the relationship.

I did not know it possible to have differing types of loneliness.... I stand corrected and consider myself educated in the varying kinds of loneliness that pervade our minds and our hearts until it is as though we are deep underwater and feeling crushed by the pressure surrounding us.

The loneliness that builds while living in the relationship is a soul searing loneliness that whispers 'you're not good enough,' 'you'll never have his love,' 'You're too ugly,' 'You're too old... all the lies that come from consistently being told and shown that you are missing the mark in every area of your life and therefore theirs as well.

The loneliness after you escape? Similar to the loneliness while living in the abusive relationship, there are too many types to truly discuss. This blog would be far too long if we were to take the time to list them all.

So dear ones I'll just say this. The loneliness while being alone is crushing but bearable without the weight of all the abuses heaped upon your head and denied in the next breath.

Only you can decide what you are able to live with but I would encourage you to love yourself enough to be alone and away from the pain of loving someone who prefers to torture you.

I am so sorry my dear hearts for the pain and hurt you are going through and/or healing from. I pray everyday for your safety and survival and wish you the very best of life.

God keep you safe.