Lord Farquaad

As I sit with my usual cup of heaven and think on thoughts of peace vs. fear... the name Lord Farquaad popped into my head and a small chuckle escapes my lips. My brain can be an interesting place to live most days when it's not filled with fear and loathing... the loathing of self can be a burden difficult to lay aside.

I walk it out as I wake for the day... I take that heavy debilitating yoke of loathing, unhook the thick leather straps of regret holding it in place, grasp the solid wooden Hames of self-doubt with both hands and push up with all the mental strength I can muster and drop it to the ground at my feet. Slithering straps of self-pity follow the mess to the ground and I stand shivering, sweaty with the effort to free myself from the binds that tie me to every negative thought that has been sown into the folds of my brain. Planted in glee by words and by the deeds of the abuser.

Before you reel back in horror at the 'self-pity' part of the harness let me assure you... it is a necessary mental function.

We have pitied the monster, pitied the children under his care at one point in his life, pitied the few friends he had, pitied the family that bore the brunt of his crazy, and saved not one iota of pity for the soul bearing up under that onslaught everyday in some way or another.

Please hear my heart dear ones. It is far past time someone pitied the creature you became under that rule, under that dictatorship of assault.

I hope and pray that you see that my compassion and understanding resides with all of you. It's time for you to receive that love and compassion and embrace it... hold onto it until you see yourself as others see you, as a warm, compassionate and giving human being.

Lovely comes to mind...

Worthy comes to mind...

That which serves us can, at some point, become a burden. It begins to weigh us down, pulling at our self esteem until we are seeing only the darkness and shying from the light.

And here is where I stand... shielding my eyes from the brightness of the morning sun...

Too much too soon and the heart and mind that has suffered at the hands of a monster, will most certainly pull back.

Darkness and Despair have reigned unimpeded for so long that the bright light of positivity and joy can be overwhelming. So give yourself time, and do not fear... there is nothing wrong with you dear hearts... you would not jump from an operating bed after undergoing major surgery and run a marathon now would you? Grant yourself the grace you need to find your way in a world that seems full of hidden dangers and pitfalls, on a path no longer familiar.

” Proverbs 15:13: “A glad heart makes a happy face; a broken heart crushes the spirit.”

Lord Farquaad from Shrek... an interesting character that represents everything my particular abuser is. I hope you hear my heart on this and I know I say this often, for very good reason.

I fear my skill with the written word is not equal to the task of conveying what is within, for the man who changed my life, changed my whole existence into a chaotic, fearful, hateful world. His world.....my peaceful world full of sunshine and smiles was stripped down and replaced with darkness, despair and anger unbounded (his).

I talk of this man to showcase the evil within him and I suppose to validate myself in a circumstance that forgave nothing and validated less. In doing so I hope to validate all of you wherever you stand today... there is no closure with the abuser and so we seek our closure within.

This man....who houses evil the like I've never witnessed before in my fifty-five years on this earth. In my work I have run into many... many differing versions of narcissism have landed on my doorstep personally as well as in the workplace, or in the lives of friends or family.

I have had one or two conversations with close friends and it is only now that I realize the basis of each conversation as I write to you. I was desperately seeking a way to properly convey with the English language the depth of the monster I was imprisoned by...

Desperately seeking to showcase the evil that lived within the man I loved....

Desperately hunting for the words that would bring an understanding of why I still live with one foot out the door in fear of being found, in fear of being assaulted by his supposed goonies, in fear....

Desperately exploring new ways to eloquently speak to be HEARD and understood.

and oh, the tears come as I quickly type to pour it all out at once....

the absolutely intense relief when a close friends gets it....speaks what I am feeling. To be understood is highly underrated. I thank this long time friend for her understanding and compassion.... my fears found a safe place to rest...my pain found a place of peace and acceptance....

no pushing...no requirements to live up to...no... just love....

This is what heals my friends... the safe place a rare few create for you to land in.

A son...

A long time friend...

Uncle and Aunt....

I need say no more than that and lovingly urge you, do not quash the need to validate...this is you speaking your truth and while some may throw it back in your face you will be surprised by the ones who speak up and embrace the you, you are right now, in this place...

Lord Farquaad in all his small man Napoleonic complexity is my brains way of searching for a humorous place to plop the man who did so much damage within such a short period of time spent in his company...with many many breaks within the years I was with him. He rolled in on his steed and ruled supreme from his throne, from his pedestal....

full of bluster and fear...

full of charm and anger...

full of jokes and evil words...

full of false light and the darkest of nights....

and here is where we must relegate the monster to....the absurdity of the character they've spent a lifetime building. Everyone sees it but the ones closest to him....coercive persuasion and pathological lying enables the monster to control the mindset of his minions.

I learned a new word today....

Menticide:

Brain-washing, conditioning people to abandon their beliefs.

'the systematic effort to undermine and destroy a person's values and beliefs, as by the use of prolonged interrogation, drugs, torture, etc., and to induce radically different ideas.'

I will leave this here to be mulled over and dissected but this my dear ones states so very clearly the psychopathy and pathology behind the mind of an abuser.

It is hard to hear but I beseech you to keep an open mind. It is a painful thing to allow our brains to truly see the monster behind the mask... despite their actions showcasing who they really are behind the mask..... over and over and over again....

And yet we cling desperately to the lies we've been given and the lies we have told ourselves.

Interesting backstory on the Lord Farquaad character from Shrek. He is based on a personality encountered by the creator and perhaps used as an outlet to purge himself from the impact of that particular monster.

I ramble on dear ones but the gist of it is this.... As we explain the reasons behind our fear, the reasons behind our need for time to heal from the horrific battlefield we crawled away from.... we take a step up and out....we are finally standing for that woman within and speaking, shouting (figuratively), and walking out our truth.

I smile and cry as I write this, for I just realized that its ok...all of it...the frustration of not being heard, the teaching moments in dealing with the police, the slow grinding square wheels of justice... all of that? All of that is life giving... for every moment you take to speak your truth, to calmly state your position, you are taking back the moments stolen from you.

With grace... with dignity...with compassion for those who do not see with their heart or mind... worse, do not care to...

You are taking back the pieces of your soul you thought were never to be found again...

You are buoying up the broken and crushed spirit with every spoken word meant to simply explain where you have come from and exactly what and who you have run from.

So dear ones.... tire not with your words... tire not with your patience for those who do not see....

Isaiah 41:10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.'

Speak it out... shout it from the mountain tops....take a drive down the highway and sing it at the top of your lungs.... let others speak much and say little but say it with grace and self assurance...

You went through it... this is your story and not theirs. Many hear your words and begin to re-live their own experience, and place where they are today, on you. They do not see, they do not hear... they only hear the unresolved war within themselves and so I would say let us have grace for the battle they wage... and move on with dignity and compassion for them and for yourself.

Stay strong dear dear warrior women (and men)... Queens each one... that crown may look and feel wobbly and be battle scarred...

.......because it is.

With every stand taken, with every word spoken in truth and love.... that battle scarred piece of precious metal will rework itself into the most glorious of crowns.... shining a light into the darkness... the light of Gods love, the light of grace... creating a safe place for others along the way.

'Hope springs eternal within the breast of man/woman.

Man never is, but always to be blest.

The soul, uneasy and confined from home,

Rests and expatiates in a life to come...' Alexander Pope.

Rest dear hearts... rest in the knowledge that blessings are coming, rest in the certain hope of a future free from fear and full of peace unceasing.