Lost or Found?

I sit this morning drinking my coffee and listening to Slim Jim and BlackJack doing their best impression of the Indie 500 around and through the house. The sight of Jacks small body chasing SlimJim's longer, leaner and bigger body is a sight that brings a smile and warms my heart.

It pulls me back from the static place I was sitting in. Feeling nothing.... just static. Survival instinct I suppose. Its 17 days today that I escaped my prison and my psychopathic master. Oh, sure that sounds dramatic to the untrained mind and I know that many will scoff at such a title. Let me assure those scoffers and encourage the battle scarred survivors... It's real.

Remember that phrase..... 'Don't judge a person until you've walked a mile in their shoes?' It is a wise wise statement. I was there once. I believed that physical abuse would be the final straw, that I would never take anyone laying a hand on me. I couldn't comprehend why someone would put up with that bullshit.

And here I am, so I beseech you to have some understanding for those that are in it. Johnny Depp and Amber Heard's court case brought to light a hidden statistic and blew apart the belief that women couldn't be abusers too. In Johnny Depps words 'You're not there. You're not there. You are a f**king made up thing in my head.'

To help the scoffers understand better.... we were fed a lie, a construct, a fantasy if you will. We fall in love with this construct while the truth lies hidden buried deep under the false self they portray. Slowly but surely the true id rises to the surface; we are akin to the frog who will jump out of a pot of boiling water, but put in a pot of cold water that is slowly heated to boiling the frog remains.... and dies.

Tragic.... but it is the closest thing to the truth that I have ever read. We stay despite the warning signs because we believe in the person we saw at the beginning. We have got it all backwards... living in an alternate reality from the truth, and the truth is, that person they showed us never truly existed. This is how it happens and if you think you are immune (and perhaps you are) think of the people that are in these relationships! The successful Actors (Johnny Depp is just one in a long line of actors/actresses in abusive relationships), doctors, police officers, nurses, paramedics, teachers and so on. Strong individuals with high levels of confidence and they step into the trap unknowingly until one day they are left scratching their figurative heads and wondering what the hell happened.

I woke this am feeling lost and anxious about so many things. My future, my career, my finances and just being alone. I let so many things fall to the wayside for my captor.

I allowed the abuser to upend my career....

Ignore friendships unless they were approved by him....

Allowed him to dictate by fear how much time I spent with family......

I allowed it. What a crock.... It does not match up with the circumstances. I am not laying down my own responsibility for making the choices I did, truly not. At the end of the day I chose fear for my life and mental health, to dictate the steps I took in every part of my life. THAT is what happens. Fear overrides and trumps everything.... every little thing including my self worth and self confidence.

Do you know the difference between living on my own and living with my abuser? Peace.

help me out here fellow survivors.... we are lost when we are with our supposed love and so damn alone and afraid. When we reach the point of escape and find ourselves alone in our home and skin.... we feel lost and alone but we are FREE! Free from the hideous wrongs inflicted upon us everyday. Yes, everyday. There were better days, yes there were. However, you live anticipating that one word or action that is going to push them to rage in an instant. And despite some days being better I don't believe there is a day that goes by (unless they're in fantasy mode to keep you believing) that they don't take the opportunity to slip in a dig or a comment cloaked as a joke in order to hurt you.

So... lets get up, get out of bed... make that bed, start the coffee and start ourselves a morning routine that we can accomplish every morning. This is what I tell myself everyday. Today was harder than usual. I just wanted to climb back into bed and forget the world for awhile.

Dear hearts... if you need to do this then do it. Allow yourself the time to heal. Be gentle and kind as you would to a dear friend going through the same thing.... you're worth it.

God bless you all with courage and fearlessness.... a warriors spirit, a warriors heart.