Love Vs. Hate

It's a balmy morning here in Northern BC.... -7 to be exact and as I look out the window at the grey that promises snow, I ruminate on the thoughts that I have been battling all morning.

I wake close to the same time every morning.... anywhere between 3:30 and 5:30.... and most mornings I am besieged as soon as my brain acknowledges it's morning ;).

Thoughts, feelings and emotions come pouring in one after the other, fast and hard.

I try to dissect, slow down and more, protect against the onslaught.

This may sound strange but I have gone through this before and after discussions with the x, have confirmed that they line up with his moments, his mornings and afternoons, nights.

I am 100% convinced that I am picking up on his thoughts, his feelings, his emotions.

And so I battle until I remember to pray, put on some good music and let it all go.

Everyday I get stronger and for this I am thankful. However.... he gets stronger too or perhaps it is just on those days where he is feeling things so viciously that it comes through more intensely.

I've had connections in the past but nothing I couldn't ignore and see fall to the wayside.

What is different in this case? I am unsure, beyond my love for him despite his monstrous actions.

And so, as the sky lightens I build new foundations in my mind for the rooms that will protect and sustain me until the onslaught abates.

My question this morning as I opened my eyes was instantaneous.

How?

How does one go from Love to Hate in the time it takes to blink?

Dear hearts I pray you hear my heart in this.... In love and compassion and long-suffering I say to you that the man (or woman, it happens!) in your life does not love, not truly, you or anyone else in their life but themselves. All the love and comfort and protection is hoarded and closely guarded for their own use, for their own emotional and mental safety. They are so consumed with never being used or hurt that they abandon us and our needs before they even get a chance to understand our love for them.

If they could see our hearts they would see the precious gift for what it is.

We are empaths and as such we nurture, care for, love, embrace, and give and give.

If they could see our hearts they would see that God allowed us to go to them as a gift, a chance at a true love to embrace.

From God....Read that again dear hearts. For you ARE a precious gift, hand wrapped from the Father.

And they are too blind and all consumed to see what is right in front of their faces, this amazing gift.

Instead they turn to whatever addiction, social media, porn, other women or whatever their particular validation method is.... they draw on it like a drug addict draws on the pipe... needing more and more of the 'new' and 'exciting' to get them through the pain that sits on their chest and mind like an 800 pound gorilla. And in so doing, leave us far behind.

The Father loves them and relentlessly seeks their salvation and healing. I know He will never give up, for He has never given up on me or you. He loves so completely so irrevocably that no matter what we do He is standing beside us, ready to embrace and love the instant we open the door to change.

And so I pray, I continue to pray for the man I love but cannot be with....I'll say ever as I do not know that he will see or understand the monster he truly is. I mean how devastating and horrible and overwhelming to SEE all the harm you have caused and to actually feel remorse. It would drive a man or woman to their knees. Only God, only His grace can help make that transition.

Grace and mercy and love....

This is what I pray.... For yours and mine.... unceasing....

May God bless you and keep you safe, may His face shine upon you and grant you peace.