Memories That Punch You in the Face (trigger warning!)

Memories....

They can soothe... they can bring a smile.... or, they can punch you in the face without warning.

The last couple of days has been a morass of memories floating to the surface like so much garbage and flotsam. Memories of the injustices, memories of the darkest moments in my relationship with the monster.

The time he head butted me for receiving texts from a girlfriend he didn't like...

or the moment he slammed my laptop into my face hitting me just above the lip...

Punching me in the head, over and over and over (I lost count at 12) for not doing the laundry properly, cleaning properly, not giving him enough money (though it was what he asked for). He had wound himself up to the point that he stood over me again and again, yelling and threatening my eminent demise in various incredibly creative ways. He finally snapped and started with slaps to the front of my head and then punching as I was cowered in a defensive position and not giving him as much access.

Slapping me in the face over and over again until my face was misshapen with bruises...

Kneeing me in the face...

Choking me while my broken nose (see previous line) and split lip bled all over my chest....

Throwing me to the floor for daring to be upset with him for calling him a f*cking *sshole... Why did I call him that?

I was sitting on the toilet when he slammed into the bathroom in a violent Kramer move, yelling that I had hidden a text from him. Then walking out and still yelling. I came out confused and as I was walking toward him (never say I wasn't brave) he said... 'oh, that came in at 7 am...' This was a huge trigger created by him and I reacted by calling him that name. I was walking away (never turn your back on a psychopath) and heard him coming and had enough time to turn before he shoved me hard and I went flying into a door jamb and hit the tools on the floor, stunned.

The horrible things he would say to me every time we argued and the 'jokes' he would say when we weren't... Ugly C*nt, Fat Ugly Bitch, and on and on...

My brain is on overdrive as I work on allowing the memories to come up and then letting them go.

Face the darkness and shine some light. When written down it becomes much clearer that it was not that you weren't enough, or useless or ugly...

No... The abuser .... that's what they are... say it with me. The abuser, he's abusive... I am a victim of abuse... or, I am a survivor of abuse.

It does not mean we're perfect... of course not. We make mistakes but our mistakes do not maim, kill or quash the spirit of the one we love.

I've had people tell me that it takes 2 in the relationship.

Oh god save us from well intentioned people.. they mean well but in an abusive relationship there is no such thing as a partnership between the man and woman (or woman/woman, man/man etc) only the absolute power of the controller, the abuser.

I hope that this post will wake those of you who are hoping, praying... begging God for help and insight as I did. The insight came when I finally admitted to myself out loud that I had chosen someone who did not love me, that in fact I was in an abusive relationship.

The hardest moment, the hardest revelation that anyone will ever come to, is admitting to the death of a dream, the death of hope in the person you love.

Absolutely gut wrenching realization...

I blamed myself... for choosing him, for not seeing, for somehow causing the abuse...

and on and on it goes.

As my oldest son once said... 'you picked him mom.'

In fact I did not 'pick' him... The abuser picks you... for your joy, your strength, your compassion and for your capacity to love. And then begins the brainwashing, or as I like to call it... the mind-f*cking.

Dear hearts... Please hear my heart on this. My wish is not to trigger anyone, my wish is not to hurt anyone or cause pain... My prayer and most heartfelt wish is to shine light in the darkness and help you move into that light and therefore begin to love yourself as much as you've loved the person in your life. You can do it, you deserve a magical kind of love....

ALWAYS!! Always. May God go with you and keep you safe...