missing....

The things I miss.... I heard a TikTok video today about wanting to be the one who makes the woman he loves... giggle, the random smiles throughout the day when thinking of him, the laugh til your face hurts and your stomach aches moments, the arms holding me close.....

And then I think of the moments of extreme sorrow, the betrayals, the cheating....the tears....the explosions of anger and physical violence....

The fact that within moments of me leaving he already had his fresh supply waiting, and most likely had been waiting in the wings while we were together.

The fact that he is has fully immersed himself in pornography, dating sites, live strip and sex chat and every manner of social media with scores of half naked women, cause he can do whatever he wants to, whenever he wants to.... No more hiding or worrying over his lies being exposed.

The fact that he never meant to keep or fulfill any of his promises.

The fact that he did not love me....he just didn't want to be alone while he looked for the next supply for his massive false ego.

The fact that I loved a small man, in every way. Small minded, small abilities, small attention span and small heart....small in every way...stunted emotionally at a young age and damaged beyond repair.

And we wonder where the sorrow comes from, where the trauma holds out over healing for so long.

The love we thought real, the laughter and snuggles we thought indicative of their true feelings....All a lie. The time we spent with our own personal abuser....all a sham...a game...

This is dissociation....what is real, is false, what is false, is true....a complete mind-f*ckery.