Monsters....

My mother told me as a child, as does every good parent, that monsters aren't real. Not in the Hollywood-style sense of the word...no swamp monster, Freddy Krueger or Micheal Meyers.... we do not need the movies to tell us that true monsters walking about as humans do in fact exist. Murderers, serial killers, rapists, pedophiles, Abusers...and the big dogs such as Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin and their modern equivalents we will not name here.

Growing up I was fascinated and entertained by horror movies and books, war movies and history...I was not a gruesome child but rather a little person who understood that some monsters do not come clothed in fur (werewolves) or wear a cape such as Dracula from Transylvania; I found safety in make believe, in fiction and in the fantastical. The alternative was to focus on the monster within our home. Oh, perhaps I know what you're thinking...that he was not a monster a hundred percent of the time. He wasn't bad all the time...as if somehow this levelled the playing field, or excused his sometimes monstrous appearance.

I will give you an example of how absurd this line of thinking is, how insular, how stuck to keeping up appearances for appearance sake this denial of events affects children in these circumstances.

I heard a visiting pastor speak of this once and this is how it went......

I bake you a beautifully created Black Forest cake with all the trimmings...cherries, whipping cream, chocolate flakes...the moistest of cakes. You just know it's going to be delicious to the tongue, the taste exploding in your mouth. We cut pieces for everyone and as the forks are lifted to the mouth, I answer questions as to the ingredients. I make my way through the list of ingredients, including a wonderful brandy to give it that extra kick. The last item on the list as everyone is chewing, half listening as they close their eyes in enjoyment, is....feces. Shit. Poop. Eyes fly open, the wondrous creation is spit out and all gag as though trying to expel every trace of this most wonderful of cakes from their palate. His point? That even just an ounce of wrongness, if you will, spoils it in its entirety. In...its...entirety.

You see dear hearts... on the surface of things you can have what appears to be the perfect relationship...be the happiest of couples, the happiest of families....You can be told, as I was, that it couldn't be that bad, right? He wasn't bad all the time!

I harbor no grudges, or resentment...no my friends, as I look back I have only sorrow, compassion and forgiveness, for the weary souls that did not understand or have the education to truly know how to deal with abuse within the church, within the narrow field of thought that permeated religion at that time.

I had the best of relationships, the best of friendships within that space that I hold dear, so dear, to this day. The people I knew were the type to give the shirt off their back to help someone in need. Down to earth, good people.

But now.... now we have internet...education...and an awareness we did not have years ago. I thought myself stuck; stuck in a continuous loop of forgiveness, frustration, hurt...rinse and repeat. What was needed? What did the woman I was need way back then? This.....

......in no uncertain terms is what you're telling me ok and I'm sorry you are going through this. Let's make a plan....

Part of the issue was me....I took what I heard, what was spoken and believed, despite everything in me telling me differently. I didn't trust...me.

I truly hope you hear my heart on this matter my friends. I look back and recognize where I was personally, and where those who counselled were as well.

The point I am striving so ineptly to put across is this...we must continue to educate and create awareness of the dangers of abuse, the need to step in when you can and to provide a place of safety for those who have need. Recently I was told that a large church in Kelowna (BC) has 4 safe houses that they fund themselves and oh, the rejoicing in my heart! The joy in knowing that God has placed the heart for victims/survivors in the hearts and minds of many. I thank God every day for these nameless heroes....for the ones who work behind the scenes and never ask for recognition...only for change. May God richly bless them....

Monsters do exist....

It is up to us to put a stop to abuse, trafficking....any and all areas where women and children are used and abused....

Remember dear hearts....remember compassion and kindness....remember love and forgiveness...grace and mercy....and most importantly, accountability.

Accountability for the abuser, for those who stand with evil and for those who carry out evil deeds.

Go with grace....stand tall and stand proud of all you have endured...

'Speak softly and carry a big stick'....(President Theodore Roosevelt circa 1901)\

Trust yourselves to know what is right for you (and your children if you have them)...

I used to believe that I needed to check in with a friend or colleague...to check in on what I was feeling and if it was right, if it was...ok. At some point I began to realize that no one can tell you, not truly, what is right for you. Only you know, and if it is killing you inside slowly but surely....if you are losing you to the abuser...if abuse is happening....it's wrong....

I will tell you what I was not told so many many years ago....It is not ok, to not be ok within your relationship.....if your spouse will not seek help with you or on his/her own, it is not ok.

The burden does not belong to you. You dear victims/survivors are not responsible for the abuser or his abuses, and most importantly.....the abuses are not your fault.

Read that again sweet sweet hurting friends....

you did nothing to deserve the beatings....

you did nothing to deserve the verbal barrage of abuse....

you did nothing to deserve the mental, emotional, sexual and physical abuses....nothing, nada, zip.

None of us is perfect...no....we make mistakes just like anyone else. Yes, there is a but in that statement....but, we loved with all we had and gave everything there was to give....

Stand tall...speak softly....

Go with grace dear friends, may God make His face to shine upon you and keep you safe, always.