Morning Coffee.....Morning Thoughts

It has long been a tradition started just over 3 years ago; wake up, turn on the coffee and do the morning ablutions. Then sit and just enjoy the quiet interspersed with the usual noises from cats, dogs, sometimes roosters, traffic on the hwy just down the road and talk with the x.

Now of course it is a hot cup of java alone and listening to my own heartbeat, the occasional sound of traffic and music softly playing in the background while I think of what I have to offer up to all of you. I'm afraid that this morning I do not have a lot to offer...

I confess that I am feeling empty and alone and frustrated and at times, angry.

The mornings are not getting any easier.... I'd like to be supremely positive and tell you that it gets so much easier as time passes as I live only with compassion and kindnesses from others but... Dear Hearts this is what I have come to realize...

call me a slow learner perhaps, as I conclude that time and compassionate company does not make the heartache and pain go away.

I now believe that these time and compassion do what they're supposed to do, which is help bring all the shit and crap and ugly truth to the surface. Up and out, where we can and must come to terms with the nightmare we lived in and the effect it had on our psyche, on our very soul.

I'm going to share an excerpt from a book that is in the works... it describes the soul of the central woman figure:

I know all about heartache of various kinds, and I am intimately acquainted with the many faces that abuse can take. I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist, nor a social worker even though I would be uniquely qualified to lecture on the subject of human depravity. I am a victim. For too many years life has been sneaking craftily by the window of my soul with no less stealth than a jungle cat on the prowl. In this one window room my soul occupies, three walls are stained with the filth of past regrets and present remorse.' M.Anderson

I was a victim, but no longer. Now... a survivor of the most evil kind I have ever encountered.

One of the things he liked to say to me was that I 'had never met anyone like him.' He wasn't wrong but not in the way he was thinking. The arrogance of that statement still staggers me as I think of all the damage he inflicted.

He was right. I had never met anyone like him and I hope never to meet a similar soul, ever again.

So... I get up in the morning, make a hot cup of heaven and thank God for getting me out and away and for sitting with me as I drink my coffee and contemplate.

There is hope dear ones. There is hope...