Morose...

The slightly off, the minutely morose...the emotions swamping in carrying with them refuse, garbage, bits of nothing, pieces of forgotten and fickle...

Once again...a smell, a memory surfacing with all the finesse of a beluga whale, a giant cetacean breaching, announcing its arrival...and in like a flood come varying feelings and reactions. These things do not set up an appointment, creating an appropriate moment to lay it all out...no, life moves and breathes and waits for no man/woman.

This long out and I can dissect, examine and move on with little to no hiccups...

I struggle dear hearts...oh yes, I do. I have moments, many...I have flashbacks, triggers that catch me unawares while the man-child I left behind moves from woman to woman...from perversion to perversion...no hangups but their anger, their obsessive need to stalk all past girlfriends, targets, doormats while searching out the new, the exciting, the deep delve into dark web sites to keep the heart pounding and moving, feeling and experiencing...

Anger to pleasure...waging war to 'couch' time...how many...how many victims can be fit in to their tiny lives...

This catches me up at times my friends...the thought of women being engulfed in one bite, spit out and moving on to the next...and the next...laying damage and waste wherever they place their interest. The chaos shows in a decided lack of education, it shows in the organized clutter and detritus laying everywhere, the lack of finishing any household or yard work, instead just moving it from east to west, north to south...constantly re-organizing chaos and hoping for a different result...yes, insanity, at its finest.

And so I circle back to low feelings, to the ebb and flow of healing vs. tugged back down the line of happenstance in order to continue the healing journey...the crap must rise to the surface, the garbage needs must be taken out with the rest of the trash...garbage in, garbage out my friends...emphasis on the 'out.'

Take out the trash...recognize it for what it is...the emotional residue, the nasty leftovers from a relationship based on false promises, illusion and lies. The love you feel, the love you give does not and will not return to you...it will however be quashed underfoot, spit out, trampled and rejected...in fact the more you give, the harder you forgive the higher the level of disdain, disgust and derision rises...you mirror everything they want while hating you for having every quality they lack.

I suppose what I'm attempting to put into words that make sense is this...every thing we love about that person is based on a lie they fabricated to lure you in. We've all heard this before and if you're only hearing it now please listen closely.

Your kind nature, your loving ways have made you a target of the worst kind of human.

The kind of human you normally wouldn't have looked twice at, lowered your standards for...it is laid on hot and heavy to snare you, to trap you into believing something about them that lacks any basis on fact or truth.

We love...we live in sorrow and confusion rules the day. Why are they mean sometimes...why do they talk to me that way at times...why do they not want me anymore...and on and on until you lack the basic human components to guard against the insidious poison being fed into your bloodstream, into your very being...eventually you are encapsulated in a prison with no walls...trapped as effectively as if you were tied hand and foot....

And then the words come...the 'why don't you just leave?' When you know nothing but fear...so strong, so prevalent, so all-encompassing that you live, breathe, eat it every moment of every day...until the thought of exiting stage left leaves you breathless with trepidation.

Dear friends...this is the basic foundation for every abusive relationship....do not be fooled by the logic your brain feeds you. Logic has no place here....only incertitude. Confusion. Bafflement. Bewilderment. Gut deep fear and a sense of loathing so deep it roots you where you stand.

Love...long suffering...compassion...kindness and understanding...it is a long process that may take years to see your loved ones out and free. That safe place you offer? Is vital...is a safety net deployed and ready...they count on it, hope for it....

A forever friend did just such a thing for her sister...was ready at a moments notice to go, to save, to rescue...vital my friends...vital to saving a life....

Dear lost ones...there is hope, there is a way...always...fear and loathing and the lies simmering around in your brain do not belong there...you are more than what they say you are, or aren't. Their own fear of abandonment, of rejection keeps them hovering and handling until you are exactly where you should be. Down...brain-washed...dead inside...like them, like their mothers...they will continue this pattern until the end of days, to protect their fragile ego, to conceal the mangy monster lurking under the surface.

You...now its about you dear treasures...YOU. What's right for you...what gives you peace, brings you joy, makes you smile? Choose life...choose peace over chaos...choose love and kindness for yourself, for they will not. You must choose, you must make the move to take that most frightening of journeys...until that fear leads you straight to a path of grace and mercy, kindness and compassion.

Walk proud dear hearts...walk tall in the knowledge of your worthiness...stand firm in your truth...yours. Not theirs, not anyone else's but yours...what's right, what's good for your soul. Take that...stick to it like glue and you will find your way.

God is a God of possibles...of miracles...of a life filled with all that is good, encouraging, uplifting.