My Secret Place...

This morning I was reminded of my mother...and the reminder was me. This is how they live on...in us, through us. Our memories, the little quirks, the things we do in silence rather than ask for help. I tripped over memories of my mom this morning as I read an email I signed up for in desperation, in hopes of a positive word...an email from a christian organization that sends out words of encouragement and prophesy. As I read the words written I was flooded with thoughts and flashbacks to my mom sitting in her favourite spot with her bible open and t.v. on to her favourite evangelist.

Often...I teased her.

Often... I spoke of my distrust of evangelists asking for money.

Often... I held back, as I came to understand that no matter what or who or why, she gained comfort and peace from giving and from receiving their word. And no matter what I truly believed that God would bless her regardless of whether they were charlatans or the real deal. That God held her in His capable hands...and now those meandering, wandering thoughts led me to a comfort I didn't even know I needed.

My mother was, despite her nativity and mushy gooey heart, an incredibly capable woman. I had been stuck on remembering her in the days of decline...the months of mothering her...the fears, the sorrow of seeing her struggle....and the years of being nameless and forgotten due to a debilitating disease no one can seem to find the cure for.

In the wee hours of the morning, in the stillness of breaking dawn I saw her as she was...before...

Vibrant...funny...loving...forgiving...gracious....arms open wide to all comers. We held a special place in her heart as a family; as did her brothers and their children, Kevin and Janet and the boys. We held a special place in her world as we accepted her for her...for her crazy nurse humour...for her.

The comment as we drove home in the truck after school...'grama's a little weird.' and the 7 year old soul, in the back quietly speaking...'yes, but that's what makes grama SO great.' All agreed...it was what made grama so special.

But make no mistake, anyone who stepped into her line of view, became a friend, someone she could love. That was her speciality.

This morning as I sip my first cup of heaven I contemplate the life she led and know she would never...ever, ever want us to remember her as she was in those last years. She would want us to follow in her steps of love, kindness and compassion and extending a helping hand to those in need.

And so...I take in the encouraging word this morning that hits me square in the chest. It speaks to my thoughts of late, to my feelings of late....and I hear my mom.

God knows...no matter your belief...no matter how or where you worship....He knows and Loves and sends us what we need in the moments that we need it most.

And so...secret places....dear hearts...find that secret place and hug it close. Find your comfort, your place of peace and contentment. For some that may be sitting in a yoga pose, walking through the forest with only the animals for company, pumping iron with music pulsing in your ears as you work out.....find that place and sit in it and let the sorrow and the sadness leach out...let it fall to the side as you walk, as you downward dog, as you chest press....let the tears fall...be not ashamed, it is your healing journey. Yours...

I have never felt so alone...and yet so surrounded with love in all my life.

As I think this, and the memory has surfaced over and over in the last months rises once again...I flash back on a memory as a child in fourth grade.

8 or 9 years old...ridiculous red hair sticking out in all directions...(mom loved the shag cut, God bless her)...sitting cross-legged on the banks of the small meandering, winding stream running beside the school grounds. It was lunch time and this was my favourite place to go. The air was warm and I could see schools of fish, tadpoles, frogs and insects and the emotion was one of quiet contentment. I was never truly alone...

One of the teachers came by...not mine as she was a harridan, a truly unhappy woman...this teacher, this kind woman was surrounded by children, with one on her shoulders and she asked me if I'd like to come play with them and the first distinct feeling was one of annoyance, then acceptance as she wouldn't take my 'no thank-you' at face value. Bless her heart.

The point I'm slowly getting to is this...I was good alone... more than good...content and happy. Alone is ok dear friends....yes, there are times I am lonely and sad...but I also know this; all I need do is pick up the phone and I can speak with someone who genuinely loves me, cares for me...AS I AM.

My heart is full. Thankfulness and a grateful heart for the few in my life that are real and true.

Dear friends...once again I beseech you to extend your hand in kindness, in compassion to those around you. The ones laughing...chatting...cracking jokes...are often the ones in need the most. Truth....

The hurting, the despairing... in the deep and dark pit...

The sorrow so huge, so all-encompassing...those souls are doing all they can to brighten the day of those they meet...let alone the ones they love.

Reach out....act on that impulse to call...to text...to contact....

That still, small voice is your intuition guiding you...

And for you, dear lost souls....you're not lost, I promise you....you are wandering in the darkness but you are never lost, just seeking...desperate to find your peace, your healing.

Be kind to yourself today....let the tears come and let them go...have that nap, go for that walk....and celebrate your freedom.

For those still in, fellow broken hearted, minds in misery...in that relationship that is slowly killing you from the inside out....search for that secret place. Just for you....and find your courage, tattered or not, it is there within you.

Stand tall, walk proud...and carry a giant stick. Beat back the darkness and welcome the light...let it in and bathe in the warmth of a Love so large no matter where you go, what you do, or how you get there, wherever that may be...so shall that Love be.

...'For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor principalities, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth,nor anything else in all creation,will be ableto separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.' Romans 8:38-39