Needing your prayers

June 7, 1100

oh dear hearts.... No contact is the only way to go and I can attest to this through my own experience, my weakness toward my abuser. I Did not block his phone number... read previous posts..... he sent three messages like rapid fire when he could not get a rise out of me. He gave two reasons why he cheated and I'm quite certain you do not need to be psychic to figure out that they were the words of a cruel and malicious child. Cottage cheese butt and saggy neck.... He told me with glee, absolute pride that he had cheated on me and how many times. The devastation from those words has laid me low and my emotions have been all over the map. I checked in the mirror which is a knee jerk reaction and the need to defend my body. My butt is NOT full of cottage cheese, and my neck is really not that bad for a 54 year old woman.

Sorrow, embarrassment, shame, feelings of not wanting to be here anymore to carry that horrible stain on my soul and spirit.

the good news is I have worked through a lot of emotion in the last day, and despite the moment to moment battle in my mind I will not allow him to control my life remotely or in person any longer. He is blocked and after googling it I found that even Pinterest has a way to block those you don't want seeing your pages. I had no idea... so in I went and what I found there was a million posts meant to hurt. He even made a folder for me, named after me. I did not open any of them but I could see the last post and it talked about me being a disappointment.

It hit me two ways.... the first being laughter and disbelief. He's disappointed in ME? This after he admitted to cheating? seriously backwards and delusional. The second was the child in me.... how many times had I been a disappointment to my parents and to my 3 older brothers? The other men in my life, somehow I manage to disappoint the men in my life to the extent that they stray. That is if I take on that responsibility, the responsibility that is not mine to carry.

After so many rejections in my life it is an almost impossible task to believe that there is nothing wrong with me. I ask today for your prayers and thoughts of light and love.

Stay strong dear hearts, stay full of light and joy for this too shall pass.