New Supply

One day very soon... oh who am I kidding? The new supply/s were 100% in place before he lost his mind again and beat the ever lovin (pun intended) crap out of me.

Inside the madness there is always a method, an agenda, a plan if you will.

Rehearsed, staged and playacted the raging scenes became somewhat forced as he lacked imagination and creativity except in the ways he was going to hurt and kill me.

When he finally eased off and took a breather he was sure to sit where I could not see his phone and what he was doing on it for the whole day... then in the evening he sat so I could see the hurtful things he was doing. What was I going to say? I was still reeling and sore and dazed from the verbal and physical beating he had bestowed upon me. I didn't want more did I? And how obvious were his motives and aims to hurt me?

Plain as the nose on his face but I'm sure he thought he was so incredibly clever.

This time I could time his responses by re-living the past moments we had done this ride on the crazy train, the walk in the funhouse full of mirrors, confusion and pain.

I began to accurately time the episodes within a 24 hour period...

I began to accurately gauge the depth of contempt and disdain he would show and when and how.

I came to the disheartening realization that nothing would ever change... that I was hanging on to something that had never existed in the first place.

Love... unconditional, compassionate and true.

...nothing in the life of the abuser is truer than their own feelings of loss, pain and hurt... ...nothing is more important than their feelings of hopelessness and emptiness.

Those feelings dictate every move, and every move dictates their responses.

The entitlement they feel is enormous.

While we would say we deserve love and kindness and compassion... they say...

I am entitled to whoever and whatever I want, when I want it no matter who it hurts or destroys in the process.

We are just so much garbage to be tossed to the side to make room for the new and exciting feelings of validation from other women, the new and exciting feelings of adventure and challenges in the form of someone else.

I've talked of this before but I will mention it again in the hopes of pointing you in the direction that leads away from your personal monster/abuser and to a life of peace and true happinesses.

The abuser has a deep dark black hole that must be filled at any cost.

They are empty until they fill it with the new... with the porn... with thousands of pictures, identities and possibilities. The internet for the abuser is a treasure trove of victims who display their wares in graphic detail.

Their brain is a cesspool of perversion and NEED.

It does not take a degree and a bunch of letters behind the name to point out that we will never be enough to fill that black hole, to give them the validation they so desperately seek out.

The flattery and fawning they need from others, from complete strangers and from their multitude of social media outlets in various names and accounts.

I discovered mine had 5 or 6 different emails, 3 or 4 different instagram accounts among other types of accounts (tiktok, dating sites, etc) and I know there were more

They create a fantasy life and then take great pains to hide it.

Do they keep it hidden because they know it's wrong? I believe on some level they do but it means nothing, only that unquenchable need for more... always more.

I do believe that they hide what they do only to avoid conflict and interruptions in their deviant behaviour.

So you see dear ones, while we are enough, for the monster no one will ever be enough.

They absolutely need to have multiple sources of supply set up. Some they will set aside for a time as they pretend to love you for a time, only to pick them back up once they create wrongs that you have done and thus the right to cheat.

And we wonder why our brains feel fuzzy and muddled when in their presence and in the maelstrom that is their life.

There is no stable ground with them... Oh, I am so sorry to say those words my friends.

It is the death of a dream, the death of something we thought was real.

Set foot upon that marshy, spongy ground and you will get exactly what you would think.

uncertainty...

confusion....

loneliness...

frustration...

resentment...

I mean come on... we feel guilty for being resentful of the attention he gives out so freely to others seen and unseen? This is a normal reaction to hurtful, fickle and duplicitous behaviours.

The mind-fuck comes when they attack us for our normal reactions...

I am so incredibly thankful every damn morning that I wake up alone with no fear, no overwhelming anxiety... wondering what was going to happen today to hurt me.

Neglect?

Invisibility?

or worse...

Contempt...

Glimpses of hate...

Cruel words spoken so casually...

Anger...

Brutality...

and on and on the list goes.

Some mornings I woke with the rock solid certainty that there was going to be a fallout of some kind. I would wrack my brain for any slight or word that would be a precursor to the fallout. Ninety-nine percent of the time there was nothing, I mean nothing, for him to be angry about but I just knew it was coming. I was rarely wrong...

The kittens angered him because of their zoomies.

He couldn't find his winter socks.

I cooked something for dinner for me along with what he wanted.

You see where this leads? Where it has to lead?

Insignificant bullshit...

Inconsequential moments...

Normal life problems or worries became his springform for Rage, for belittling, for his attacks.

Turn it around my dear ones.... The person in your life would never ever take that type of behaviour from anyone, let alone from their somewhat significant other.

Never.

YOU ARE WORTH MORE!!

you are worth so much more dear hearts. I pray for your continued safety and for the knowledge that wherever you're at mentally, emotionally, physically or spiritually?

You are worth all that is good.

You are worth all that is lovely.

You are worthy of a magical kind of love.

Live dear people, live. Life is short, far too short to stand around taking abuses of all kinds!

You can make it on your own! More than make it, you will see that you can succeed at life in every area without the albatross of death and destruction tied around your neck.

Cut it loose and believe... believe in that woman inside you, believe in the child inside you that is screaming to be heard. Screaming to be protected and kept safe from the harms of someone who does not, and will never, have your best interests at heart. Only their own.

Please hear my heart on this...

I am living it... I am walking it like you.

Like you I went through times with the man I loved that would curdle your stomach and lift the hairs on the back of your neck in fear. I went through it, and I am still going through the storm but now?

What is missing is the weight of scorn and shames untold holding me down.

Oh the weight of grief is still there everyday but I am as light as a feather...

I can fly..

I can float...

I can dream of a life full of joy and laughter and love.

My prayer for you is first and foremost your safety, away from whatever situation you are a prisoner of; but it is also for your joy, for your peace of mind, for the dreams you set aside, for the you that was stored away in the face of making that person as happy as you could.

There is life after the death of the relationship...

'everything you want is on the other side of fear.'

I can see that now... and I hope you come to see it as well.

I won't lie to you... it hurts. The grief is tremendous... however, we are stronger than we know and the grief is more easily borne than the atrocities and abuse continually committed on our person.

Live dear Hearts... truly live and get out.

It is worth the pain of leaving a dream behind.