Oh the Games

Oh dear god in heaven hear me now. My prayer this morning is one of desperation and sadness. Today will be 15 days since I escaped my own private version of He-double hockey sticks. I have been doing my utmost to live without fear and to forget and put aside all the conditioning he put me through to toe the line so to speak. Even being away I catch myself not doing something because I know he wouldn't like it. As if, like the boogeyman he can see and hear everything I'm doing. I am free from him physically and yet I am still tied to him mentally and I struggle to leave that training behind and make my own decisions.

Case in point..... Yesterday afternoon I had my second FA gig at the racetrack.... my anxiety was at an all time high as I worked on finding the confidence to drive the hour and a bit to the racetrack on the North side of Prince George. I was going but my brain was working overtime. I had gone from look at me go to omg I have no life and I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing. My brain was the vessel for a pinball game and the ball was having a hey day pinging every which way and hitting every nerve.

I made it to the track and saw there were only 2 cars in the parking lot and I had this momentary hope that it would be cancelled and I could turn around and head home, climb under the covers and pretend the world didn't exist for a time. Unfortunately that did not happen. It was for the best as I ended up having a fairly good evening. I talked with the track manager for a time and related that I had left the last time afraid that perhaps she would come to her senses and fire me from the job. (see previous post re. the monster sending emails stating I was not fit for the job etc etc ad nauseam).

It turns out that she had left an abusive relationship not long ago and had left Edmonton to come to Prince George and met and married one of the men in charge of the racetrack. Emotional and mental abusive. You see? If I had stayed home I would not have had the chance to hear her story. There are times that we need to push through our discomfort; our panic, our anxiety and the overwhelming fear. On the other side of those fears are others who need to hear our story. On the other side of those fears are joy and freedom from the bondage we've escaped or are hoping to escape. Take courage dear hearts....

Where I'm going with this is my small, seemingly small rebellion. I wanted to take pictures and post them on FB and I struggled with knowing whether to do so as I know he monitors my fb somehow. Did I tell you he had logged onto to my FB twice that I knew of before I changed my password? yup... true story. I changed the password but I somehow knew that he managed to get in there and look. So.... I took some pictures of the amazing cars, trucks and one motorbike and left it for the time I was there to think over and dig into the 'why.' Why did I want to post on FB, for I truly have lost most of my interest in being on the social media circus. I will try to be as honest as I can about posting, as that is what I did before I left. I posted with a shout out to everyone to make their way to the Big Races coming up next weekend.

I believe now that I wanted to show him that his plan to derail me from this small job was a failure. Does that make sense? I was flexing my freedom muscles. woot woot.... not sure it was the smartest decision but it was mine. You see? I did not want him being in charge of my choices as he has been for so long, not anymore. And I paid for it, I surely did.

Even so I was a bit surprised he texted me, silly woman. Silly silly naive woman.

I've since deleted my text message conversations with him. Gone, and I'm very close to finally blocking him completely. Oh I know what you're thinking! Why haven't I done this yet, correct? I ask the same question and the only answer is not wanting to let go completely quite yet. Wrong? yes... and while I haven't don't so yet, I can advise you now that it is the best option. Especially as I struggle this morning with what he said. I did not respond to him. That I can pat myself on the back for, just barely.

his conversation went something like this.......

'hope you're having fun with your PG boyfriend.' no response so a few mins later he sent another and I'm afraid I don't remember exactly what it was but I ignored it too. God I hope the brain fog leaves soon, I lose little bits of memory.

It was the next line and pic that just kind of sealed the deal.

'This is who I'm with in pg tonight.' and sent a picture of a beautiful young woman. FML... it was a bit of a blow. Is it true or did he do it just to hurt me as he's done in the past? He's told me repeatedly that he just wanted to hurt me so he'd say things and post things so that I believed he was moving and shaking int he dating arena. Regardless, it cut me.

The good news is that I was not jealous or heartbroken. Thank God... just hurt that he perhaps has moved on so quickly, or had women set up (most likely considering what I found on his phone) for when he was single again. It isn't that he is dating etc.... I feel for the next victim and pray that they see him for who he is before he can do any damage, but that I meant so little.

THAT is the pain I allowed in because of my small little rebellion. isn't that something?

It is another step in the healing and letting go process and for that I am willing to take the pain. I must leave him behind and continue my journey alone. I must.

The thought I wish to leave with you today is that even as you're reading this, somewhere inside of you there is the thought that your man/woman is different. They love you and you must mean something to them. You're not wrong. They love you in their own way and you do mean something.

We are their current supply and when that begins to bore them they will seek new supply. Do you know that I thought this? When I would read on narcissism ,In the back of my mind I had that small thought as some of you must and I'll tell you right now that I was wrong. Our meaning to them only lasts as long as their attention span does.... days, weeks but never months. It runs dry very quickly and when you think the thoughts I did, your response quite likely follows mine. 'but then why? Why do they keep us around?'

It makes no sense to us, it truly does not. This is because we believe that they think as we do, that they have the same heart. Nothing could be further from the truth my friends. There is a giant gaping hole where their heart is and they will continually and consistently try to fill it. And when they can't or it doesn't work, well that is when the rages come; the anger, the put downs, the beatings or whatever particular hell they inflict upon you to make themselves feel better.

I am so very sorry for your heartache. You truly are worthy of gentleness, kindnesses and compassion from the person that professes to love you. Truly.

Take heart, take courage and walk out your path to freedom.