Old Station Wagon...

The smell of fumes....the heat of the day beating down and heating the already hot as an easy bake oven interior...the pushing, poking, tormenting of three older brothers...the curling wood paneling inside and out...the love for my heroes, the brothers.

In my Childish mind they could do no wrong even when engaging in behaviour meant to elicit a frustrated response, which led to our Father handing out discipline. And still...I would sit, stand, walk, jump from roofs, barn hay lofts and just generally follow them wherever I could. I was, according to the brothers, a precocious pain in their collective asses.

While the memories are few before ten, certain flashes of memory are crystal clear.

My two oldest brothers squaring off outside the big glass window, ready and willingly agreeing on settling an ongoing issue with fists.

Sitting squished in the stiflingly hot, dusty back seat of the old Cortina with the brothers as we careened down old logging roads to the Okanagan Lake. The shock and joy of cold water on heated skin...

Running, jumping, climbing, walking through acres and acres of Orchards alone...

The 'hello hunny' from Mrs. Holitski next door standing at our fence...handing me the largest apple I had ever seen...the kindness on her face, the acceptance. The first sweet, crisp bite of that apple...juices running over my chin.

The gruff and grumpy face of Mister Holitski...he spoke little...red long johns no matter the heat, suspenders and old faded green pants. His big worn work hands folding carefully over mine on the broom handle, showing me how sweeping is properly done. The watchful infinitely wise eyes watching me work...perhaps wondering where my parents were and how he got stuck with a wild ginger 6 year old. We didn't say much at all in those long hot summer days...after a task he would bring me a dewy glass of sweet iced tea sweating in the heat of the day, I would sit on the concrete and he in his ancient creaking beach chair in comfortable silence.

Throughout the years I have been blessed with knowing a few men and women of such character...of such principle...of such strength and fortitude it molded and nudged me into growth, into a respect and admiration for my elders. I was blessed with examples of how to live according to your values, of how to accept those around me where they are...where they stand on their journey. Of how to stand alone...in my judgements, in my assessments, in my principles and values. It is a quiet place rooted deep within dear hearts...found once more, only with much inner reflection...with being hurtled to the ground, to the lowest point of your life path...drowning in the rolling waves beating down, crashing over me I headed under...deeper, and deeper still...and found life beneath the pounding surf.

Let the waves come...let them drive you to depths you've forgotten...to the beginning, to the core of who you are.

Let the tumultuous waters wash you clean....letting go of the confusion, the chaos, the condition of your soul...let the salty brine flow through and to the darkest parts of your mind...clearing the way for light, for life, for joy in the morning.

I do not know why the years of my young youth are swimming to the surface but I have learned that it is wisest to embrace...to let each memory play out as they quietly swim to the surface. As with more recent memories I sit with no judgement...as the negative thoughts seek to belittle, berate and boil over In shame and embarrassment I give them over to Love...I give them over to compassion, to understanding....I give them over to patience...I give them over to sorrow for ever believing in anything less about myself, for letting the poison take root and tear apart my spirit, my mind, my soul.

Dear lost and broken...dear survivors...dearest victims....you were never meant for evil...you were never meant for brokenness...

You are meant for greatness...meant for an incredible life full of joyously endless possibilities.

You will reap such kindness, such love and life as you've never known....you have given so diligently in the little things...things people discount too often.

A smile for the young face looking up at you...

The warmth of your hugs....the grace with which you smile through the sorrow hanging on your shoulders...everyday...even when you feel as though earths gravity has shifted its crushing weight directly on to your chest.

I've seen it on many a face these past months...the smile that doesn't quite make it to the eyes and yet reflects the kindness found there...despite....despite the world falling to pieces round about them.

Your faithfulness will be rewarded....do not give up on hope dear friends...

Your prayers have been heard...your sorrow, your heartache seen....life awaits you round that next corner, past all the pitfalls...the tribulations...it will fall away into the depths of the sea and as the sun rises and falls to rise again so shall you find joy in the morning and in the setting rays disappearing over the horizon....

A bounty's worth...a pirates hull full of treasures worth awaits each one of you.

Be steadfast my friends...hold the course, keep your eyes fixed on the stars that chart your path and see the storm recede into the background, see the gale force winds slip their moorings and fade into a warm breeze smelling of fresh life, of sweet success at battling your way through. Steady at the helm...steady...find that inner resolve that has been sitting in decay, waiting for the moment you set it free...waiting for the moment you give it voice...waiting for the time you breathe rejuvenescence over your soul....

I believe, therefore I am....

What did Descartes mean.... 'I think, therefore I am?' The only thing that remains true that there is a mind or consciousness doing the doubting and believing its perceptions, hence the famous formulation, 'I think therefore I am', or in Latin - 'Cogito ergo sum'.

I believe....I believe I can...I believe that I will....I believe.

I believe in you....and come with hands reaching out in acceptance, in love for where you are...yes, right there in the muddy pit...let me sit with you right where you are, for no matter where you are, you are loved, worthy....you will make it out, I promise you...Look, see there? A path up, a path out....lift your head weary ones...oh it is heavy I know, but trust and try...lift your head and see the path, your path...no one else's.

We stand with you...beside you...together. Together as you take that first step to a future free of fear and loathing. Together as you slog your way out of the depths of despair, as you drop the heavy weights from off your shoulders. The weight of words pressed upon you, breaking you down...let it fall to the ground to sink into the mire, into the muck where it belongs. God sees you dear one....I pray for your comfort, for your way free from your perilous journey...I pray for your safety, for your sanity amongst the most horrifying of lies meant to doubt the sanctity of your mind.

Go with God today and every day forward....may your feet find their way to happiness, to joy unceasing, to kindnesses unending.

"For truly I tell you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you." (Matthew 17:20-21).

Go in Grace....go in dignity....speak your truth, carry a big stick.