Pancake...

Knocked flat as a pancake...run over...shaken, not stirred...I find I have a lot to learn about grieving and its many forms and types. Grief in the passing of a loved one and the grief in the loss of relationship. They are infinitely different, not the same, polar opposites and yet net similar results.

I think of writing from the heart...and find I have too much...

Too much grief...too many questions...and far too much sorrow in watching the suffering of my children and their pain to understand my own.

That is what has me sitting with fingers poised over the keyboard wondering where exactly to start, what exactly to share, how to share, when to share...

What comes through loud and crystal clear are the hearts of love, the offering of love through hugs, through the clasping of hands, the gathering of those feeling the depths of love and loss together.

What stands out from the crowd is the incredible compassion and love, the bulwark of true friendship, the astonishing kindness of almost strangers...I remember vividly the eyes of one woman in particular, a woman who knew ken through his photography and me through him. The intensity of emotion, of caring...the offering of help in anyway and the belief she means just that.

The meeting of minds and hearts...the sharing of tears and sorrow...

Grief shared is grief lessened...

As I stood amongst the people after the service for my friend, my children's father, the oldest son of two wonderful parents, the brother to a caring man I saw beauty for ashes...I saw strength and courage...

Later as I stood amongst family gathered to stand together and share in the tears, the laughter, the stories...I stood alone and observed the men gathered...my sons among them...and as I held them up to the man I left behind in fear, in shame, in distress...one at a time I compared and it was as though I held a gnat up to a moose, a rock to a mountain...

Dear hearts...the depth, the courage, the toughness of this family, including the patriarch...father of the man I called friend and the father of my children...tough as nails, capable, smart...not a one who would step away from violence when necessary yet live peaceful lives.

I was overwhelmed by how very small, how very little this former monster in my life truly is...

I was uplifted in remembering where I come from, who I am and most importantly who the people are that I surround myself with, and who have surrounded me in love...

Friends...family...each one more of a man, a woman than this person will ever hope to be.

I drove home in the dark last night and reflected on what saves us, what keeps us, what holds us in place...love...friendships...relationships that sustain through times of hardship and loss.

This is what holds us back from disappearing, from fading into the background.

This is what keeps our minds in place and away from the edge of oblivion.

Take a look around you dear treasures...you will see the good in this world. The bad is easy enough to spot...we have lived it, breathed it, bathed in it....Once free my friends we begin to truly see the reality and learn slowly to accept that reality.

That they are just small, insignificant creatures...frightened of their own shadow...who else would seek harm, seek torment, seek betrayals and pain?

I still sit in shock...at the loss...at the grief within...and the incredible light bulb moment while standing in the midst of a large group of people talking, laughing, crying...glimpsing the truth, grasping it in both mental hands and examining in relief, in stunned silence...

Once again I struggle to impart the aha moment, the wisdom behind it...

Dear treasures....who we surround ourselves with is paramount to our mental health. What we give to those friendships and familial relationships will stand the test of time...

It has been years since I have seen some of these friends, acquaintances and yet despite this, it was like no time had passed. I find it hard to remember when I was hugged so very much in such a short time. This my friends is life...messy, hard, sad and conversely full of joy, love, happiness. The only way we survive is through relationship...through love...through kindness and compassion.

Go with God today and each day forward in the knowledge of love, of goodness, of all that is right in this world. The rest is not worth spending the time thinking about.