Peace....

Thoughts...emotions...fears...anxieties....and down the rabbit hole we go. This morning, after having the best weekend I've experienced in some time, I woke with a glad heart that quickly became a tossed salad full of fear and foreboding.

It's tricky....true warning or false fear....

Survival mode is a full bag of tricks....fraught with sleight of hand, insubstantial ghosts of emotions, and true peril alerts.

I have learned to listen....it's the discerning part that is slippery...

Being part of an abusive relationship...yup, claim it dear friends, its truth no matter how ashamed or embarrassed that statement has you feeling. Truth above all else...

Anywho....back to the that cringe-worthy pronouncement....for all of you still in it, still in the midst of the storm, this will not surprise nor shock you, however...if someone spoke of being on constant alert, spoke of living in fear every moment of every damn day and the skills you've learned at the hand of your abuser, you may laugh in dismay or wonder.

It is not a thought within the relationship....your focus is narrowed down to survival....

You see where I'm headed with this line of thought. How to explain this to the average well-balanced relationship friends...family....

You become exactly what the monster wants, an animal begging for scraps from the table. Your whole world narrows down to the immediate, to the moment, to the puppet master. It is a mastery of manipulation and machinations.

The victim does not think in terms of toughness...we only pray for clarity which runs in short supply.

The victim does not think in terms of strength...we only hope for an end to the behaviour, somehow, someway...

The victim does not think in terms of hyper-awareness to every word, every tone, every nuance of body language and movement....no....we look for an end to the tightness, to the clenching of every muscle, to the wondering when the other shoe will drop and land with explosive force.

The truth is dear hearts....that hyper-awareness does not end.

The truth is.....like soldiers who have spent years in the trenches, spent years battling evil forces, they do not come home the same. Irrevocably changed....spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally.

Oh I believe it settles into the background, somewhat...but, it resides with you for the rest of your days. I had occasion to speak with a woman who is years, and I mean years, out and as we stood and talked, she spoke of the preparations she still does to this day to protect her things and herself despite being in a good relationship.

Our very brain chemistry has been altered by the varying degrees of abuse we have suffered at the hands of the people we love/d.

Sweet friends....I pray you see...I pray for the grace to battle, to run, to escape...safely.

I pray for your strength of heart, strength of mind...

I pray for friends, family, strangers...someone....to step forward to aid you in your time of need.

I pray for clarity amidst the sea of confusion...

I pray for clear speech and for the confounding of the enemy...

I know...I know...dear friends, I know! You love him/her with all of your heart...that speaks to your humble spirit, your capacity for loving the lost....

But...at what cost to you...to the lost woman/child within you? You disappear a little more each minute, each hour, each day you spend with them. You've felt it...you know it....oh god, I pray for the grace to accept what you cannot change, the grace to bear up under the heartbreak of knowing you have been used, discarded, devalued and yes, even hated.

Why? I do not have the answer to that question dear hearts....I truly believe that there is no answer... no closure within that situation, only within yourself.

Stop...I humbly beg you lost souls....stop giving them access to your beautiful heart, your beautiful spirit....stop before you are completely torn to pieces.

They do not deserve you....Let go and let God....

They do not need you....they need only themselves, no matter what they tell you...their words are created to keep you, to bind you, to tie you to them. You know this...deep deep down inside, you know their words are loathsome lies. They seek only your destruction...to lift, to elevate themselves.

I'm so sorry...so sorry you are going through this right now....

Reach out warrior women.... you do not stand alone, for we are frighteningly legion...we are many.

God keep you....God sustain you in that wasteland....in that desert....there is life beneath the surface, there is love...there is peace and solace....stand dear Queens, and see, and in standing you will gain some of you back, back from the one who demeans you, hurts you when he/she should love and cherish you.

Don't give up....speak softly...carry a big stick...you are not alone, for we collectively stand with you.

God keep you and make His face to shine upon you this day and everyday forward.