Performance....

It is a foggy, dark gloaming outside my window this morning...I perpetually wake early, as early as 3 am, never later than 5...it has become a bit of a game to see what time I will wake...and what emotions will make themselves known. I pick them apart one by one...I am learning, slowly yes, but learning all the same...you take each emotion as it comes and let it have its moment to be heard, or suffer a tsunami of gigantic proportions destined to bury you deep within the waters. I have lived a lifetime of suppression....never allowing the pain to surface too long...I did not have the time, resiliency, nor the training tools to deal with that small person hovering inside....jumping from one foot to the other like an impatient child, hands waving and tears running....

We must, dear hearts, learn to listen to that small inner voice....the one that tried to warn you of the dangers to come, the one that spoke loudly and in no uncertain terms that this man/woman was not for you....the one you ignored, to your detriment, to your devaluation and destruction. That voice became a whisper...that small defenceless child within shrunk, and shrunk until all I could hear and see in my minds eye, was a murmur....a susurration...like a soft summer wind blowing through the willows...

The moments I had of absolute stillness....created, I believe, by God....speaking to me....

One such moment.... the daily feeding of the two massive Great Pyrnees dogs, one just a gangly galloping pup....it was coming on fall, the leaves of the deciduous trees an array of yellows, oranges and reds. A soft wind blowing as I spent some time with the skittish female, giving her love and affection to overcome her fears. Picking up the remaining food and scraps for the growing boy on the other side of the open yard, I had only taken two steps when a soughing, speaking wind blew in and up....up to the tops of the trees. With no wind on my face I stopped in wonder and gazed up at the tops of those beautiful trees....gazed in awe as hundreds, thousands of colourful leaves began to rain down around me and the dogs, the chickens....I took a step and as I did the wind died....

I stopped again and the wind again came and blew...and blew...until I questioned my own sanity and the spectacle above me. The leaves danced as they fell...they twirled, twisted and created something I have never seen before. It was a dazzling, dramatic dance of wind and leaves and left me breathless with wonder...even the two energetic canines sat with faces turned to the sky, to the leaves falling...until it abruptly ended. I stood for moments...unaware until the soft breeze returned and cooled the tears on my cheeks that my heart had been crying in awe.

I was abruptly pulled back to reality as the man I loved had appeared and was standing watching me with puzzlement and suspicion. I wanted to share what I saw, and when he asked I attempted to explain what had just happened...it fell flat...I could not begin to describe the moment. It was for me...and to this day I believe it was a wind of warning and change as much as it was the love of God and His angels protecting, standing guard.

It was not long after that I ran for my life...

This morning I have so much to say, so much vying to be heard and spoken.

I went to church yesterday, in a strange town with strangers congregating with a common goal...I shook with fear but knew somehow it was what I needed. I needed the comfort of music, the comfort of scripture...

I spent the worship time battling tears...not bad tears....tears of remembering who I am to God, to myself...and wanted to run, to hide. I made it through a portion of the sermon and then allowed myself to finally exit stage left. If I do not push myself, I will fall to the wayside buried under regret....buried under the lie that says I am not enough, that says I am too far gone, the pain unreachable....the soul and spirit too damaged...

Please hear me dear friends....these are only some of the dark thoughts that revolve inside the mind of a survivor. I...not those people...I judge myself, judged what I was wearing..judged my voice raised in song...judged my place in that church...

And this is where the title comes into play....Performance...

We do not need to perform to earn love...not the true kind...

We do not need to do xy and z in order to be blessed. To be loved....

I walked away from that experience with a new appreciation for the acceptance and love of others...despite speaking not one word beyond a hello to the kind lady a few seats over. I do not know what they thought of me and I realize...I do not care to know. I will be ok alone...

I walked away from those moments of such strong emotion and saw the many many times God sent only his strongest Angel to protect me from the evil that I willingly loved...from the times death knocked softly but insistently upon my door...

I walked away, ok ran...fox-trotted my way through the parking lot thankful no one tried to stop me...with this message....

His love is a gift....free of charge, free of strings attached....

His love is freely given...hands outstretched with only one thought...you are His Child.

Love, freely given, needs no proving of worthiness...needs no performance from us.

Some have spent their lives working, working so hard to prove they are worthy of love....

Neglect, abandonment, trauma, abuses.....a cesspool of darkness, an absence of light....an absence of unconditional love has conditioned victims/survivors to believe there is something intrinsically wrong with them, and along comes the monster to prey upon that little chink in the armour.

Listen to me my friends....please hear and take this in as I am so desperately working to do....

You are worthy of all that is good and lovely....You are worthy of a magical kind of love.

Lay aside the lies of the enemy and take up truth as a shield....

YOU ARE LOVED AS YOU ARE.

Right now...where you're at, you are loved. Broken down, but not defeated....soul sick, but not defeated....weary, God, so weary, but not defeated. Walk it out warriors....stand tall Queens...speak softly but speak...speak your truth for you know not when your words may inspire someone else, may inspire and ignite the fire necessary for a victim to flee their prison walls....

But most importantly, speak your truth for you.