playing the game

June 9th 0600

why? Why do we play the game? We are leaving the abuser behind and walking out our journey and BAM! Something catches our attention in something they've done and before we take a moment, dammit just a moment, we jump. Think of it like fishing.... They keep casting and casting in whatever arena or platform they can find us on, hoping we take the bait. I'm not proud of it, but I took the bait yesterday and hit Pinterest up with a ton of posts regarding Narcissistic behaviour and abuse knowing full well that somehow he was going to see it.

This morning I am slightly ashamed of my behaviour. This is a road full of pitfalls and the unknown. I question every decision and in some cases rightly so.

I apologize as this morning my thoughts are everywhere.

I leave today for a job far up north in Alberta and my anxiety is high. A ten day contract for Confined Space Rescue and I'm taking my cats :0. Certifiably crazy perhaps but the kitten is still too young to be left behind. I'm mostly packed and ready to go and my mind is filled with fear and doubt.

My mantra has been simple.... 'no more fear.' And in saying that it may something different to me than to you. For myself this means simply that I will not allow fear to dictate my life... no more. So I took the job and another for June 20th as a medic/safety advisor for 3 weeks. Where will I stay, do I camp, how will I do this... so many practical things to think about.

The moral of this post is this.... Stay out of the pit of monitoring their social media, even if it is just Pinterest.... they can still do damage. The sooner you close off that part of your mind the sooner you will rise above the confusion and pain.

I am talking to myself here as well!

Be strong dear hearts... be strong and continue to take those steps that will have you living in joy and peace. It will come... I hope in that, everyday.