Predators

Set backs can come in a variety of sizes, shapes and colours...for colours there are when dealing with abuse, with trauma. It may shock some to know that the world is no longer viewed in the usual rainbow of hues, pigments. A slight twist and the scene around the trauma survivor becomes infused with colours that do not naturally fit within the spectrum.

Bright purples, explosions of red that overlay all we see...the filtering at the edges of our sight...the stars and spots that lay on the canvas like fluttering fireflies dancing in the night sky.

This change in view will never quite go back to normal.....

I was impressed yesterday with how quickly I was snapped back into emotions of fear, betrayal and broken promises. I sank fast and deep all the while watching as from a distance; watching in frustration, in disgust at my own culpability, in sorrow and sadness at seeing my boundaries crossed once again. The anger at once again having to explain respect, boundaries and true friendship to a grown adult. That anger was directed at myself too...for allowing it to continue to a second discussion of keeping your word and understanding what it is I really need as a friend. And yet, I must find the positive within the failure, within the setback, if I mean to grow as a person... If I mean to learn to set those boundaries in stone and walk away if they are climbed over, or with a huff and a puff, blown down.

Self respect dear hearts is not an easy road for the abused, for the traumatized soul.

I gather around me the balcony people, as one true friend explained to me years ago...the balcony friends are the ones you hold close and dear, the ones you know without a doubt you can trust to hold your heart in a safe place. They are few...and as I walk this road I begin to allow the others to fall to the wayside. Just as the true friends have shown trustworthiness, the others will show their true colours...making excuses for crossing those boundaries...once, twice....despite being shown exactly what they are, despite asking for and receiving promises to hold to the line you have drawn in the sand.

It is a hair trigger for me as I traverse this road and I would ask for patience as I work out my steps to becoming a healed, functioning woman.

I would ask patience for the survivors as a whole...be patient and kind dear friends.

I would ask patience for yourself as you traverse this rocky road and allow no one and nothing to trip you up....to send you spiralling down into the depths if even just for a moment.

So many broken promises... look to the ones who hold you dear, young and old....

Look to the ones who hold your heart with gentleness, compassion and kindness...these are your faithful friends, whether they've been there or not, experienced abuse or not...they have hearts of gold and know you, and more...love you.

Love the broken you...

Love the splintered you...

Love the beaten you...

No harsh words...those would match the monster you left behind.

No expectations, no need to perform....these would match the abuser you ran from.

Only love...a love as grand as the sun rising to greet a new day, that gives your wings the air, the updraft you need to fly again.

I thank you for that gentle breeze...my heart weeps in gratitude.

This is what the survivor needs to begin life again, to see past their own personal trauma and live again.

Love...

Compassion...

True friendship...

A listening ear...

It is a gift...a rare gift to know how to listen to those telling their very personal hellish story.

I will tell those of you who are not sure how to listen...

Take it in...feel what they are speaking of...and just....listen.

The abused know what to do, haven't they just escaped a life that sent them to their knees? They do not need advice unless it is asked for, no they need love and acceptance.

Not.... why did you go back?

Not...Why didn't you leave sooner?

Not...Why did you put up with that?

Not...Why aren't you ok yet?

No judgement dear friends... I have been in that place of not having true understanding...perhaps because I watched it happen within my family everything was coloured with those thoughts, those expectations. The child within me struggled with understanding the why my mother remained with a man who stole so much from her.... that child cries for her now......

I understand the heart within the woman I loved so much, as I never have before.

oh... dear hearts.. be patient with yourself and those around you that are working out their own path through this maze we call life. We have been lost in the wilderness for so long that upon reaching the community of people, of light and warmth...we shy away, unable to stand the comfort given. It grates...it hurts even as it soothes.

The pain of knowing we could have walked out sooner...

The pain of knowing we put up with the absolute trash fed to us...

The pain of knowing we were fooled, lied to, beset upon to the left and to the right...

...surrounded with evil until we knew not who we were.

Lost in the wilderness...

There is a way....there is a hope to build courage upon until you can make your way out of that wilderness dear dear friends. A way... for each one of you. Stay strong and survive to live free, for you are a child of God...a Queen...warrior.... You survived hell and so most certainly will survive being free...will survive having the shackles fall from your wrists, fall from your ankles and around your neck...Let them fall dear hearts for their is life after death, life after climbing out of the pit of despair, the depths of hell you were dragged into.

Life.....breathe the clear air of freedom.

Love....receive the gift, for it is a gift.

Hope...courage...fortitude...all these attributes you have within you no matter how hidden they may feel. You have survived so much...lived through so much...you are able, capable and worthy.