Promise Me...

I heard a short lil snippet from Grey's Anatomy yesterday, I cannot name the characters as it was not a series I took in, but what I heard hit me.

'Promise me that you'll love me even when you hate me.'

Even in the passion of the moment, the rage, the angry outbursts I looked...

I looked for the love that was professed everyday, constantly.

'I love you bear.'

'Indian (his term for me), I love you.'

'Babe!... I love you.'

I looked, oh god so naively I looked, thinking that for certain if I looked hard enough I would see it and he would too.

I smile sadly as I type.... tears run out of the corners of my eyes to plop onto the sleep shirt that formerly lived as a xl t-shirt of the man I loved. It is a reminder of all I loved and lost but I wear it sometimes for comfort. Comfort in accepting that my love is not anything to be ashamed of or resentful of. Oh, on the contrary. It is what makes us special.

We Love.

Part of that acceptance is coming to know that it was love that spurred me to believe in him, believe in the broken child living inside his heart.

That Broken child cries and searches for love, screams and rages when it is not what he wants, not exactly the way he wants in the time he expects. It was futile this belief but not the love that was given.

I am coming to accept that I gave love again and again to that broken child in the hopes of being loved in return.

I am beginning to forgive myself for not listening to the warning signals, the signs that he was not who said he was.

I am beginning to come to forgive myself for not protecting that broken child inside my heart.

I am so sorry... So incredibly sorry child for allowing the abuse, for not putting you first, for forgoing my own hopes and dreams in favour of someone who never planned on loving me.

How does someone love when they do not know what that really is? They only know what they want and need and must have in order to keep the demons at bay. They are not capable of loving you in all your glory, all of who you are.

I am so sorry dear hearts for it is heart breaking to know, to finally know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you were never their end game, never the love of their life.

The good news is, there is life beyond.

A life beyond the pain, the shame, the hate, the abuse.

There is joy to be found once again.

Joy in the sunset as you drive home... wherever that is for you.

Joy in the laugh of a baby standing in line behind you as you shop alone.

Do you see where I am headed with this line of thinking?

That, even in the midst of the sorrow of the death of the life you thought was yours, there is joy.

I encourage you dear ones to look for the joys, the small moments of happiness. They are patiently waiting for you to see them and acknowledge them for your benefit. To give you hope and courage to continue on the new path you have created for yourself.

'Do not go lightly into that good night'.... oh no.... fight.... fight dear hearts and live, truly live in each moment and you will see the sun shine on your face again, you will feel the warmth and heat of the sun and hope will spring in your heart once again.