Rabbit Trails

No matter my friends...no matter... no matter how far we travel down that path that began as an escape route, regardless of the length of trail behind us stretching out and out and out. No matter...you see, the memories ride with us. The triggers that release bullets of doubt, of frustration, of injustice, of anger and grief....they lay close to the surface.

Oh yes, slowly these landmines sink further and further beneath until they are distractions at most, a flip of memory at worst. The heaviest, with the deepest cuts, sink inexorably to the depths of our soul to be culled, to be pulled, to be examined in the wee hours of the night. In the quiet depths of darkness they come, they rise to move through, to sift through and release with prayer, with love, with disgust and loathing but with loving kindness and compassion. These memories were not placed there by the survivor...no.

Each and every memory, flashback, shuddering breath blown out in remembered fear and pain put in place by the person in your life, in your past, in your rearview.

Each hit...each blow...each push, slap, fist, kick, elbow, knee....each vile word, obvious and hidden betrayals, each solitary screaming rage match....each one marked upon your soul, your spirit.

But you know...let it go. Move on...gah, the number of times I've heard this is astounding.

Oh, we would like nothing better than to 'let it go, move on, forget about it.' Oh yes...wouldn't that be lovely. However, unless each and every victim, survivor is treated to a lobotomy of epic proportions, we are blessedly bloody stuck with the evidence of their crimes upon our bodies and spirits where they will stay til the day we die.

So you see...letting it go and moving on is no simple piece of uninformed advice.

Every moment of each day, the survivor 'lets it go,' they 'move on' with their lives and work tirelessly to do so...if you do not understand how hard trauma is to rid from mind and heart then you go right out and jump into something traumatic...subject yourself to one toxic person who treats you so like an animal, a 'thing,' and see how that works for you when you are told the same drivel.

My anger this morning lies not with the uninformed, nor the informed who when they speak in such direction the shock runs high, and the need to educate surfaces with a vengeance.

No...dear hearts, this morning my anger lays with the perpetrator and his hijinks and the justice systems inability, instability, and disinclination to do the work necessary.

For myself, for every woman, child and occasional man who suffers first at the hands of the abuser and secondly at the hands of the justice system and their apathy, their need to push the numbers through and out the door. To being nothing more than a court file number despite active and thorough participation in every case appearance, speaking often with crown counsel, the police, the probation officers and so on.

Hands in the air...faces plastered with false understanding and boredom...nothing to see here, nothing to be done here....

The movies, sitcoms, series...they don't get it wrong....it's paper words and platitudes...it's dealt with in the moment, as it happens, after the fact...no pre-planning, just bullsh*t answers and apologetic words over the breadth and width of 'conditions' and their breaches.

I sit in frustration this morning...but I sit in peace, I sit in love and compassion, in a belief in a higher purpose and a higher calling to consequences of evil deeds, to evil actions hidden in the dark.

I see you...I understand you, know you....you are the same as every other monster reigning supreme within the walls of their own home.

The delusion that lives within the mind and heart of the abuser is in the thinking they are unique, different than anyone else. I was told this often during my time with the man I ran from...how lucky was I to be with him, I'd never find anyone like him, no one could do the things he did.

Dear God friends...be truthful straight up...in the beginning days do what I did not though I thought it so loud I thought for sure he'd hear me....I knew many like him, talent and skill wise...many. X-husband, resting in peace and gladness right this minute, was a hundred times more skilled, more intelligent, more....any one of my brothers could out do him in many ways...90 % of bush workers, forestry types, mill workers I worked with could do everything he did.

My mistake, yes one among the many, many made, was saying nothing to disabuse him of his greatness. Not to harm, not to degrade or demean, no. But kindly, with tact.

The rest...well suffice it to say that he is a carbon copy...they all are...to a 't.'

Speak similar insults, betrayals, lack of commitment and loyalty...all entitled to a man, to do whatever they want, when they want, how they want. Same....boring....drivel.

Dear treasures...life outside is not the same...there is peace, there is hope for a future once again, there is comfort in loving company who accept and cherish you.

Some days the peace can be stifling, itchy, unfamiliar...these days are to be ignored at the outset...it is as coming down from a drug, one that pushes your heart, your physical self to the limit and leaves you dry, used up and lost.

The unfamiliar will become familiar once more....I promise you...slowly, oh so slowly those types of days are fading into the background...as we embrace our freedom and the chance to live without chaos, without raging adult children, we take joy in the quiet, in the peaceful home we create....alone.

Do not give in, nor give up on hope dear ones....life is meant to be good...our loves are meant to be kind, loving, compassionate, uplifting. We know and see the difference in the mix, do we not? We see...and turn a blind eye to give more room for change, for love, for promises to be kept and upheld.

They are not capable of any kind of promise dear lost ones. They are incapable of being true to you...they use, abuse, and discard. That is the m.o. always....

Stay strong...walk tall and stand proud knowing your worth, your uniqueness, your place in this world...we may not know it as we walk the path, but we will get there one footfall at a time, one breath at a time.

So breathe my friends...breathe in free air and let it blow away the pain and shame of the past. You are no longer there...free...free to be, just be.