Riches....

If I have all the riches in the world and have not love....

If I have all the talent but have not love....

If I have all the intelligence but have not love...

if I have all the wisdom but have not love...

If I have all the beauty but have not love....

I am as a sounding symbol....

Empty..... lonely...

Intrinsically alone as they stand head and shoulders above the peons living below their lofty status. There is no equal...ever.

Humility keeps us grounded...I have met the most stunning of intelligent people and seen the example they set with the humble attitude they bring with them. A good example is an old friend of mine, a Radiologist from Victoria that would come up once a month to perform all the special procedures necessary in Radiology at UHNBC. Never once in over six years did I see an attitude of arrogance, rather humbly and patiently teaching those of us willing to learn. He was and is a genius in his field and to meet him, speak with him, spend time with him, you would never feel the weight of his intelligence.

This morning I step off the crazy train and take a silent stroll through the minefield that is the current levelled landscape of my mind. I stand and survey the damages; the torn flesh, the fresh pink scars, the deep pits, the seeping ugliness of regrets and remorse. It reminds me of pictures taken after a particularly bad tornado....Bowling blowout Betty....Despicable Debilitating D....touching down with ferocity and fierce power.

It seems appropriate as at one point I began to call my personal tornado the Tasmanian Devil. On the job he was a whirling dervish, a wonder to behold and yet one never knew where or when the touchdown would occur and bodies would fly. Smart...so smart and capable. With no control over emotions, over imagined slights, over 'stupid' people...I was his favourite punching bag at the end of the day, at the start of the day...well you get my drift. I was ridiculously and embarrassingly grateful when the anger would be directed at someone else. Ridiculously grateful when a campmate would spend time after the work day with us around the campfire and spare me the time waiting for the shoe to drop.

The truly sad part is I found myself tiring of the blind adoration I saw from this mountain of a man, towards the man I loved and loathed all at once. The over the top complimenting...

The realization came upon me that most were managing him in their own way....this was a mind melting moment, and a complete game-changer. I understood....I saw clearly. He did not... he believed the words spoken, the deference given, was his due, his right.

Add in the flirting, the pursuit of one engineer in front of the whole crew and myself...I stood alone.

This morning I ramble on and hope for an end to the endless cycle of frustrations, regrets, sorrows and pain, but...there it is laid out before me in a vast panorama of filth left behind by the abuser and it is for me to clean up, to heal, to coax along the path of life.

I will not lie to you dear friends...at times it feels too hard...too much....I grow weary in my travels, in my ruminations....

I want to tell you that all is well and will be....but this morning I do not feel any part of that and that too is part and parcel of the journey set before us. Taking up your cross to bear can be so f*cking heavy....a cross you chose, a cross you believed with all your heart would lead you, guide you, sustain you....only to have a crown of mocking thorns placed upon your head and mashed into your scalp by the one you believed with all you had was worth the fight, was worth the pain....

I will tell you this....that is God's Cross to bear....His son, daughter....His to take up and move in mysterious ways....His to save....it is not yours to bear up under....

I do not in any way want to be misunderstood when relating the cross, the thorny crown...it is an allegory of our own propensity to mistakenly take up what is not ours to take up and take on.

I am laying it down...all of it...

I pray...I weep...

I love...I hope....

I move...I contemplate....I get stuck, feet mired in the boggy ground....I won't stay here long, but at the moment here I stand, feet rooted In this spot and I thank you for your patience, for your loving kindnesses and compassion as I work this part of my journey out.

God go with you this day and every day forward.