Scaredy Cat....

Sounds of snow removal fill the air outside my home as I sip my first cup of heaven this morning....I am ready to write again...to spill my thoughts on this page. Some days I am overflowing with angst and the need to overturn the apple cart and let it tumble out, let the fingers fly.... however, moments of solitude and the need for quiet fill my soul and I wait, knowing the desire to write will return. Yesterday I had a trip to make to Prince George and had company along the way, of which I was thankful for as the roads were some of the worst I've seen, this winter or any other, and I've seen a few. Blustery winds, snow falling thick and heavy to the blacktop, creating fun for everyone not wearing skates. After dropping my companion off to continue the rest of the journey to Penticton I made a hot dash for a few essentials, filled up the tank and made my slippery way home. The city was a nightmare of stuck vehicles, cars either high-centred or in the ditch, the highway....a graveyard to either side. 75-85 km/hr was the norm and I was in no hurry to pass and add to the Tombstone numbers, all the while thinking how silly we Canadians are to think that driving in these conditions is normal...everyday...and yet it is. If possible the hwy was worse on the way back and not 10 mins out of Vanderhoof my back end decided it wanted to be in the lead...all the while keeping a steady hand on the wheel and no unnecessary braking or accelerating. There are times all you can do is hang on and hope for the best...I prepared myself mentally for hitting the ditch while doing what I knew from...ahem...just a few years of driving, and oddly enough, lessons I learned from the monster. There were positives taken from negative moments...learning while under pressure to drive better, to be better, to be...enough. Smarter, wiser, move faster, be prettier, be....be...be... never enough.

Yesterday in the midst of the storm, in the midst of the few times I lost all control over the vehicle, a realization was growing within...the knowledge that as I make my way through the storm...life...I was and am, more than capable; capable of taking care of myself, of driving through the shittiest of weather...of living through the worst of horrors and fearing for my life and even more so, my sanity.... of regaining my confidence of self....

The song 'Jesus take the wheel' came to mind.... I had to laugh a tiny bit after those harrowing moments...it was a true representation of my life. God knows where I'll be today, tomorrow...next year... for the now, my life is on free wheel on black ice and the only control I have is over my emotions...my actions...my thoughts and words... everyday I gain a little more ground, a little more peace and contentment, a little more joy....

You see dear hearts...we gain ground every day whether we see it or not, whether we believe it or not. I am not the person I was three months ago...I will not return to that broken and ground down woman, no more and never again. I make that vow with all seriousness of emotion and a concrete will, to grow and leave behind the human being casting himself as a man; a charmer, a helper, a giver....all lies, all fabrications.

The monster behind the mask gleefully rubs his hands together in anticipation of breaking down the newest and latest supply. I pray...oh do I pray for that/those women ...that they are smarter and wiser than I, that they exit stage left before it's too late. I pray continually for his salvation but more...I pray for the blinders to come off the eyes and hearts of those he meets, that they see the monster hidden, for the moment, behind the mask.

My path will be a path of peace and any who desire to truly know the real me will need to navigate some hefty roadblocks and be real men. Men of character and honour. In 3 months I have had offers...this is spoken with no intent to hurt, but the thought is this....those men were predators...I know that I may present a confidant woman but I truly feel that when in a place of brokenness there are certain of the male variety that look for that type of woman. They look to step in and seize the moment....and take while thinking to themselves that they are giving, are helping. New years Eve was a prime example....I could spot the hurting women in the crowd with ease, and knew I was one of them. I haven't had that much attention in one night in quite some time and I'll tell you this dear friends...when I'm truly confident, I rarely get the attention or dancing partners...it was rare, usually older gentlemen who were looking only to get in some two-stepping with someone with a teensy bit of dancing queen attitude.

I am rambling on and I do have a point here...I hope I am portraying it clearly enough....

Monsters walk among us, men (women too) who lack character and seek only to fulfill their pleasure. In your journey of healing the wounds left behind by the abuser in your life, you are vulnerable and look only like easy prey....but...they do not know the real you, they do not know how strong and wise you truly are. Stay strong survivors and carry on...alone...until you are in a place of healing and strength, in a place of wisdom to spot the predator and cut them off at the knees. Strong men will not give up...the right man/woman will not give up so easily, and that my dear friends is how you will know true intentions....pure hearts....

Do not give up hope....

Peace, joy and happiness await round the next corner...over the next mountain...through the next valley....

I'm so proud of where you have been and the strength it took to stand tall and declare to the world ..... this life with the monster is no longer your fate, no longer your STORY!

Walk proud.....stand tall.....speak softly and carry a big stick. You got this...you are strong enough, wise enough, brave enough....