Shed the sorrow....

This morning I stand with my hot cup of tea and survey my little kingdom. It isn't much but I believe for better things...I know good is coming, a time of reaping and gathering in and I'm ready...so ready to move forward and leave behind the life I spent time and energy on...too much energy but know this dear hearts, I wouldn't change it now. Despite the loss of the sentimental and the practical items I worked hard for, I know that God is going to reward me with peace, with joy and with an abundance beyond my wildest dreams.

No longer can we stand on the 'what-ifs,' the 'if only's,' the 'I wish's.'

This morning I continue to shed the sadnesses, the sorrows and the pains of the past few years slide right on past me and out...to ride on the wind of forgiveness, on the winds of change and find my purpose once again.

Don't let this attitude fool you...I am an optimistic person at heart and I bounce back but I know that there will be feelings of extreme loss, feelings of soul-sucking grieving that which could have been...should have been.

It will come rising up from the depths....triggered by a sad song, a smell associated with the man I loved, a YouTube video we watched....a knowledge of mechanics I learned from him...and on the list goes. You cannot spend your life hovering around their flame without some of the good parts leaching into your being.

Life lessons learned while fighting to stay alive, fighting to love despite the trauma and betrayals...If I was a good communicator before the relationship, I am now a stellar communicator. Never has it been so difficult to converse with someone, reach them through their pain, through their ego, through their anger.

Would I change the abuses, the rages, the insanity? Yes...in a heartbeat. But I know this...that is impossible so I turn and look at the path I meandered onto that led to mountains of such great height that I often slipped, tripped, fell and felt alone with multiple cuts bleeding out and providing nourishment to the ground, to the monster whilst continuing on my journey to find that place of peace.

Dear friends...it is only to be found outside of that relationship...away from the poison that infects you everyday, turning your heart into something fragile and broken.

It is a hard pill to swallow...that there is nothing to be done for the man/woman you live with.

Nothing but prayer, distance and time.

Safety will not be found within that partnership...

Peace will not be found within that environment...

LOVE will never be found within that person...only pain and sorrow.

I am so sorry my friends...so sorry for your loss, for your pain, for the time stolen from you...but know this; you will make it, you will find love one day and the instant you leave, peace flows in...a peace known only by those who have lived fearing that today may be the day I die. Free....free from the monstrous deeds performed on your mind, your body, your spirit. Free.

That....that is worth its weight in gold.

Remember dear victims/survivors...you have the power within you to make the choice to leave, to get out...to find a way... you truly do. Oh it's hard...it's tough...its frightening....

But...you're worth it. You're worth the fight, the finding where you belong outside of the chaos created by the abuser. There is help...no matter where you live, there is help available.

I leave that with you to contemplate and pray for your continued safety, for peace inside you while in the raging storm, may Gods hand rest upon you bringing you strength unimaginable.

Speak softly...speak your truth and stand tall and proud. You...yes you...you are worthy of all that is good and kind and compassionate. You are worth respect and love...

God make His face to shine upon you today and everyday.