So So Much...

So so so many years...so so so much to get back that we will never see...so much to unpack, to lay aside all the while recognizing the minutes, the days, the hours, the weeks, months, years we have lost.

So so much...too too much...not enough but too much to handle...

...too needy, I neglect you but stop...

...too demanding, I abandon you but stop

...too affectionate, I withhold affection, kissing, touching...all the things that normal relationship have...instead I will turn to others waiting in the wings; I will turn to live online ladies doing what I ask for money exchanged, I will turn to paying in person for what I withhold from my partner, I will take care of my needs while you go wanting and turn it back on you.

There is so very much on my heart this morning, I sit in sorrow that has been drifting beneath the surface waiting for my attention...I sit in tears for what was lost, what was promised, what was a lie all along. How does one mourn something that never existed?

And therein lies the mindf*ck, the confusion within the survivors mind, the need to put it somewhere, anywhere...to lay it down and see it vanish beneath my boots as I work, beneath my feet as I walk in my cozy home, beneath me never to return.

Love is a funny thing...once elevated, promoted, built, grown it stays rooted deep in the recesses of your heart and mind. Lies withstanding, it was real for the survivor...learning how and what and where to put a love that was never real on their part is a real trick, a real acrobatic feat of mental gymnastics.

Life is laid out before us...waiting our movement, our faith and hope...I stand, at the moment, in stasis...standing and surveying in every direction...I look up to the skies...

...and I stand...there is a plan as I stand and survey what is new and good amongst the dark, the evil perpetrated...I stand in this place and plan, strategize, research and dig...

In order to look fear, evil and torment in the face one must prepare...to stand for those who cannot stand for themselves one must ready for battle, for war.

The time for staying silent is gone dear friends...the epidemic is real, very very real.

I have seen and heard, I have spoken and been heard...the battle belongs to them, the ones who have seen your downfall with glee, with gladness in their sooty, filthy hearts...

Silence is not our friend...oh it is fraught with pitfalls and lessons...but it is not our friend.

We must embrace change, embrace speaking truth no matter where it may lead.

That trepidation you feel is uninhabitable leftovers from your former life...listen to that still small voice dear hearts and begin the move with me...the move to garner attention for every victim of violence, of abuse in any form...

I have seen the effects of laziness among those who are tasked with protection, with enforcing the law...I have felt the backlash for bringing pointed questions to the table...for disputing decisions made out of sheer numbers and workload...

Dear friends...I pray you hear my heart this morning...it is with respect and dignity we must approach change in this area, but with an implacable bearing, with a determination and perseverance in seeing laws change, in holding those accountable who are leaving their duties behind in favour of ease.

After meeting with various groups and hearing all matter of unprovoked speech regarding my time with the monster I left behind...speech from those who are to remain neutral at the very least, and from those in positions of dealing with victims of hatred, abuse and cowardice....swayed by the perpetrator to believe lies despite evidence to the contrary.

Disgusting, perverted position of power in a field built for women suffering domestic violence and otherwise. Our mission dear treasures is to fight for what is right...for those who come behind us, beside us...those who are uninformed and leap from the fire straight into the frying pan.

I sit in dismay...that just one such man in Victim Services pollutes, crosses boundaries and lines of confidentiality conflict, a true conflict of interest when you are friends with the coward who preys on women and still remain in place despite numerous complaints and need for investigation.

I sit in determination...in readiness for battle...

I would ask you for the same...to be open to listening, open to standing beside and for those who cannot speak for themselves...those who are so broken and lost they do not know up from down, sideways from straight...who are turned away at the gate to wander lost.

This today...this is for the friends, family, co-workers, strangers...stand with the abused, the down and dirty, filthy remains of their former selves.

Do not turn away...“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

I have quoted this before, but after all the time that has flown by and the stories I have heard it seems even more relevant. Stand...each one for what is right, for what is good...